Aug 24, 2014

Dear Doggie Diary #6


      I've been thinking. Today, my dog didn't want to eat his breakfast, he's been throwing these eating hissy fits for a week now and only eats when I get down on my knees next to him and feed him by hand, he literally wants to eat his food out of my hand, period. Then, when he finished eating this morning, I got up and put his collar on him, opened the door for him and we went out for a walk — and walked as fast (meaning slow) as he wanted to walk. When you think about it, I feed him food for which he's never paid since he hasn't worked a day in his life, I open the door for him, I keep him clean and I pick up his shit after him, that's basically the arrangement of our relationship and I'm supposed to believe that I, the human, am the master in this situation? I'm starting to question that . . . Anyhow, here's one of my  master's  dog's latest diary entries.

Aug 13, 2014

Things I Don't Get - Music Edition


      Do you know who Weird Al Yankovic is? Well, if you don't, you're missing out. He's basically my soul brother from another mother and I've come to that realization mostly upon hearing his parody of Pharrell Williams' Happy entitled Tacky which is just one out of twelve tracks he remade and included on his fourteenth album of parodies called Mandatory Fun. In my opinion, his version of the Happy lyrics is way better and ironically far less tacky than Pharrell's — just consider, for example, these lines: "got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined crocs — because I'm tacky" or "I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased — because I'm tacky". I just love how he captured the essence of today's society and I can definitely agree with and get everything he's saying. I can't, on the other hand, for the life of me get these next few lines from these next ten songs by these next ten authors.

Aug 9, 2014

A Pretty Boring Ménage à Trois


      One of my favorite quotes of all times used to be 'behind every great man there's a woman'. Although the exact origin of the saying isn't known for sure, the women's movement of the sixties and seventies adopted it as its own which is more than fine by me. They also promoted the notion that 'a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle' which is quite lovely too, but I still prefer another quote to both of these two which is a variation of the first I mentioned and was said by Groucho Marx.

Aug 3, 2014

Butt Plug Unicorn Sword Fight - True Story


      Boy, do I have a story to tell you. A few weeks ago, I had my birthday and I really really really REALLY wanted a butt plug. My boyfriend, who else, was of course more than happy to get me one. He actually ordered a set of three online and had them delivered to my place.