A while back after I posted this, a friend of mine, a BOY friend, texted me that I should write tips on how to get rid of a girl as well. After I got his message, I thought: "Cool, boys read my blog too!" And: "That lucky bastard has girls throwing themselves at him left and right, obviously." So to help a friend out, these are my tips on how to repel women.
- When you two meet, ask her what kind of foundation/eyeliner/mascara she's using. When she answers, say: "Oh my god, me too!"
- When you're planning a date, ask her: "Can my ex join us? We split up a long time ago but she's my best friend, we do everything together."
- Or, when planning a date, ask her this: "Can my mom join us? I really want her opinion of you. You know what they say - mommy knows best!" and giggle.
- Suggest a dinner date. When she asks where you are taking her, say: "What do you mean where? Your place. You're a woman, you can cook, can you? Or is there something wrong with you?"
- Tell her that you almost choked to death licking a scoop of ice cream when you were 5 so you have a crippling fear of licking and you haven't licked anything since and you never will.
- When you get together immediately say: "Does your breath smell funky? I think your breath smells funky. Do you want a mint because your breath definitely smells funky." Just to be sure that she'll hate you forever, also ask her: "When was the last time you saw a dentist? Because I think you have a rotten tooth," and then turn her face away from yourself and politely add: "Could you, please, just look the other way when you speak?"
- Say: "Victoria's Secret makes the best lingerie - I almost can't feel the thong riding up my butt crack."
- When you get to second base, say: "Wow, your breast feel exactly like my mom's!"
- Tell her that you don't believe in monogamy.
- After you've told her you don't believe in monogamy, tell her that you want to have a threesome with you, her and a goat.
To be on the safe side, you can use more than one but I think, if a girl's reasonably smart and not completely desperate, one will suffice. If you try all of them and she still wants to see your face, then she's either an imbecile, the coolest person on the planet or for some reason thinks you have an enormous penis and you will never ever ever EVER get rid of her.
Sweater: H&M men
Hat: Cyberdog (In case you were wondering:
Yes, the paint glows in the dark.)
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