Last week, while I was walking Sir Fartalot, a girl on a bike zoomed past me, she couldn't have been more than 7 years old. Then, seconds later, I heard a frail, wimping voice: "Hey, wait up! I can't go that fast! Slow down. Please!!" I turned around and saw a panting boy, slowly and miserably pedaling away all red in his face, almost crying. Seeing that, my heart started to beam with joy. Girls are better than boys, that's a given, but when our superiority makes boys cry... Is there anything sweeter than that? So I started thinking about some of the reasons why I'm happy to be a woman.
- The first one is a no-brainer: Women look better naked. Almost every person on this planet will agree. Except gay men. With whom I respectfully agree to disagree. BIG TIME.
- If I'm ever on a sinking ship, I'll get saved before men. Plus, if I don't make it into one of the life rafts, the percentage of body fat for women is greater than that for men, so I have a better chance of survival because I'm more buoyant. Who thought fat would ever end up on a list of advantages, huh?
- In connection to the previous point, I can get drunk faster, since I have less muscle mass, which means I save money on drinks. But not that I want to get drunk. Or drink. I never drink. Ever. Alcohol is very bad for you!
- I thought that women have a lesser chance of getting bald but that isn't the case. We are just as likely to go bald BUT we start to bald a lot later in life and our hair slowly thins all over so I'll probably die before I go bald. Ha!
- Breasts are a great example of female supremacy. Boobs are like a Swiss army knife - very handy in all kinds of situations. You can flash them, shake them, scratch them to change the subject, divert attention, get stuff, get out of stuff, the possibilities are endless.
- I can easily hide it when I'm aroused. No need for an explanation, right? There is no ERECTION!!
- When I'm at a club, at a bar or at the dentist's office and I'm being harassed by an overly eager representative of the male sex (who's looking for precisely that), I can simply say: "I'm on my period." Period is the best pick-up line reflective shield available and a model compatible with the male anatomy hasn't been developed yet. They can use: "I have Chlamydia," or: "My discharge is an odd greenish color this time of the month," but they'll be sex-free for a long time.
- Balls are another great reason why I'm happy to be a woman. Because I don't have to have them. Let's not kid ourselves, balls are hilarious. Try flashing those - there's a reason those videos are called Girls Gone Wild and not Balls Gone Wild. Besides, thanks to evolution the male specimens have their most precious belongings hanging outside their bodies (thus making them vulnerable as fuck). Why? Because semen has to be kept in a slightly cooler environment or it goes bad. Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?!
- I don't need to waste time cutting my nails, since it's acceptable for women to grow them long. And what's even better, I don't need to keep them clean either, I can just put a coat of nail polish over them and I'm done. I'm always surprised how much shit is under there whenever I do a polish change.
- We have the best extortion method at our disposal - we can get pregnant. Or not. It's actually all up to us. Being able to get pregnant really gives us the upper hand. Or more like the uppercut. Girl: "I want a baby." Boy: "I don't think I'm ready yet." Girl: "Well, guess what, bitch, I'm already pregnant." KPOW!
When the girl was long out of my sight, the boy finally caught up with me. Although completely out of breath, he still managed to say: "Good afternoon, ma'am." And I thought: "So you're not just a sensitive little troll, you're stupid too, huh." I mean, do I look like a ma'am?! But worry not, dear male reader, your kind too has some peculiarities, which might be perceived as lacking in the awesomeness of ingenuity, which is the female body. And I will disclose those too. One day. When I figure out, which those are. Girl power!
Denim shirt: eBay
Don't forget to follow FPS via Twitter and/or share this post if you like the ladies. And let's be honest, who doesn't like the ladies?? Posting days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so hopefully you'll be back next Monday. If not, I hope your period lasts for 20 days straight or your discharge actually turns green!