Two funny things happened yesterday. When I was driving to meet up with a friend, I thought: "I've been driving for almost 10 years now and I've only been in one accident." And when I met up with him and we sat down at a bar, he ordered a beer and I ordered a lemonade. Yes, a lemonade.He looked at me and said: "You can't drink alcohol or something?"
"No, I just don't feel like drinking." Even I looked down at my mouth confused by the words that were coming out of it.
About two hours later, I was sitting in my car, thinking why the fuck didn't I use the bathroom before we left because all that lemonade and vitamin C quickly ended in my bladder. Then I saw a dude standing by a fruit stand selling cherries across the street and all of a sudden the car in front of me hit the brakes because the person in the car in front of it decided to buy some of the cherries (you can see that exact idiot buying the cherries in the second picture in the Mercedes). The thing is, you can't make a turn there let alone stop and we were all caught off guard. I hit the brakes and stopped thinking: "Fuck me, this was close, thank god I stopped in time." In that same nano second, I lifted up my hand to turn on all four signal lights and I looked in the rear view mirror to see how far the dude behind me was - not far. All I saw was his eyes protruding from his frightened face and then he hit me. I thought: "You didn't just fucking hit me, you moron!!" and then the car behind him slammed into him and they both smashed into me again and threw me into the car ahead. Twice.
My black mirror aviator sunglasses flew off my face and hit the steering wheel. Don't worry, glasses are fine, not a scratch. I probably did more damage to them when I picked them up and threw them to the side because I was so mad. I yelled out a slur of some very profound profanities, which I better not repeat here, unbuckled my seat belt and got out of the car, ready to repeat that exact verbiage again to the guy in the grey car behind me. When I got out, I saw his bewildered face, he had his kid son with him (it turned out they were on their way to get him something for his 18th birthday, which is today), the woman in front of me had two children, a girl and a boy, in her car and when I looked to the right, I saw that the last car's airbags went off and both the driver and the front seat passenger were bleeding.
Fuck, this is serious, I can't get mad...
I asked if everybody was ok and if anybody called the police. They were all so confused and just waved their hands and explained how the person, who made the turn, was at fault, but no, nobody called the cops or the ambulance. So I called them. When they came, my favorite part happened. All of the drivers told what had happened and then the police officer pointed to the guy in the green car and said: "Everybody get his information and make a claim with his insurance company, because it's his fault."
"No, wait... What? How is this my fault?" the green car guy said.
"You ran into the car in front of you, sir."
"But what about the person that stopped and turned to buy the fruit?"
"If I find them (of course the fruit buyer and the illegal fruit seller both split the scene), I'll gladly write them a ticket for improper turning. But they didn't caused the accident, sir, you did."
"But there's nothing I could've done!"
"Yes, you could've. You could've stopped in time if you kept your distance."
"No, I couldn't have, there's no way I could!"
"She did," pointing at me. I gave him one of those smiles that say "we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for your dumb ass, stupid!" but can easily be mistaken for "what can we do, we're all in this mess together." He misread it.
Of course, everybody had to take a Breathalyzer test and I was very pleased with myself - two wins in one day: I kept my distance (and proved I'm a safe driver despite everybody giving me a hard time I drive like a speed-crazed maniac) and I didn't drink. If there weren't for that huge dent at the back of MY BOYFRIEND'S car, it would've been a slam dunk for me.
When it was all said and done, the girl form the car in front of me came up to me and said: "I just wanted to say your tattoos are awesome!!"
"Well... Thanks!" I smiled ear to ear. I'm sure your mother doesn't agree.
Then I called first my boyfriend and then my mom and they both kept asking me if I was ok or if I was just saying that. And I was, I was 100 % ok - yesterday. Today I feel like I spent the entire afternoon at the gym yesterday, but it's nothing that a beer or two won't cure - hey, it's Friday, I'm allowed! You want to know something else? That green car guy and my boyfriend have the same first name - obviously the desire to rear end me comes with the name.
P.S.: I purposely didn't post any photos of the outfit I was wearing, because I really don't want any love-the-shoes comments below this post. I'm deeply passionate about the message and in case you didn't get it, let me spell it out for you: KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE. Keep your distance when you're in your car as well as just in your jeans, I don't want you grinding up on me, period. There is a safe distance rule, so don't be an ignorant moron because those airbags aren't magical. Besides, with a face like mine all pierced and full of metal, I would've ended up looking like Swiss cheese if I hadn't kept my distance and relied on the airbag. (I case you got the message and would still love a visual, I wore this shirt here, these pants here, this belt here and this flats here so there you have it.)
Feel free to share, like, tweet, mail, smoke-signal this and please do. And what's more, be fucking safe out there. Posting days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so do come back next Monday. Till then...