Today is a special day. Why? Because I'm going to talk about the epitome of male grandeur (more like the delusion of grandeur, but still) - the penis. Even the word itself is intriguing, since it's derived from the Latin word for "tail", so whenever big, butch men say they want to go chase some tail (meaning ladies), they might as well say they want some penis. I've seen my fair share of tails back in my chasing days and I'm not saying that there were a lot (or a little), I'm just saying my fair share and surely you agree that fair is never an objective thing. If I had to give you a number, I'd say more than one and less than a hundred. We are talking about only those in real life, right? Moving or still pictures don't count.
If nothing else, all my experiences with the male phallus have taught me that it is an interesting piece of meat, sometimes a lot more interesting than the person it's attached to. But it doesn't stop with interesting, there are a lot of adjectives, which could be attributed to the outgrowth at hand (purely figuratively speaking, unfortunately there isn't a penis at my hand nor at my sight at the moment) and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. I don't think there is a single thing in the entire world, which could be described with more numerous as well as diverse adjectives than a penis. Let me just list a few: long, thick, smooth, tiny, short, gorgeous, floppy, peculiar, thin, hard, amusing, weird, sad, wet, horrific, massive, average, touchy, incredible, useless, hilarious, shy, fascinating, satisfactory, outstanding, sensitive and as already mentioned interesting and then again - interested. See? I know what I'm talking about apparently. On the other hand, I'm not claiming to be an expert on the subject, but I'm definitely no novice either, although my brother doesn't seem to (want to) know that...
A while back, my mom, my brother, his wife, my nephew and I got together for lunch and our discussion quickly turned medical as it often does. We started talking about phimosis, which is a condition where the foreskin of the uncircumcised male sexual organ shrinks and gets stuck over the organ's head (you can get more info on the condition here if you really need it, but I warn you, there's a picture and it could be described with yet another adjective - painful; it's amusing too, but mostly just painful). After my mom explained what phimosis is, of course I wanted to know how it's cured, so she said:
"They pull the foreskin and then..."
"They pull the foreskin where?" I jumped in.
"Wait, if hypothetically I'm the..."
"What don't you get?" my brother had to jump in too (usually, my 4-year-old nephew does most of the jumping in, but I have no idea where he was, hopefully somewhere else licking the dessert refrigerator's glass door or something 4-year-olds tend to do).
"It's not that I don't get it, I just have to get a visual."
"I know what it is. You've never seen a penis in a non-erect state, that's it. Right, sis?" he said with a grin.
"No... That's not it. Mom said they pull the foreskin towards them - them who? The patient or the doctor? Do they pull it away from the patient to cut it off or do they just yank it over the penis' head?"
"Oh, no, no, they just yank it," mom set the record straight.
"You sure don't need to go to medical school to perform that surgery."
"I'd be so much easier if they just circumcised everybody, a lot less fuss," bravely said my brother.
Circumcise. It's not my inch of skin firmly attached to my genital area that's at stake, but even I feel uneasy at the thought of that. I remember an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte meets an uncircumcised guy and all four of them are shocked and appalled by that fact, one of them even calls him a Shar Pei. In all honesty, Shar Peis are cute and besides harboring bacteria and different penile juices, a foreskin can be cute too. And if I'm even more honest, when the penis is at its most useful that flab of skin doesn't get in the way anyway, so why cut it off?
Now that's a good question: What was the first person to hack off one's foreskin thinking (and not what was the first person to milk a cow thinking)? There are so many useless body parts that just get in the way, but they still haven't ended on the chopping block. Men don't need nipples either, so why don't we start cutting those off too?
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