I've had a certain hunch about the mankind for a long time and thanks to Colleen's last post, I now know for sure - we're a lazy species. Or at least we've gotten lazy over the years, women and men alike. You know that joke: Why don't men have cellulite? Because it's ugly. Have you ever heard it? Yes, no? Well, you can forget it. The days of men not having cellulite are long gone - I've seen it, other women have seen it and I think they themselves have seen it too because now you can get anti-cellulite, toning and slimming creams for men as well. The idea behind these creams, be it for men or for women, is (or was?!) that the massage, which is needed to rub the product into the problem area, is what actually works, but now people have gotten so lazy that the thought of massaging your voluptuous thighs alone is too tiring and now you can buy an anti-cellulite cream that works without massage. Uhuh, I'm sure that works. And I'm sure that the progression of human laziness is also a stepping stone for the progression of human stupidity.
Although I don't think I have any shot at this, I want to at least try and do my part at stopping the advancement of both so I've come up with a list of 10 reasons why everyone should start working out. I'm not going to give the obvious health related arguments because nobody wants to work out, eat right, stop smoking, drink less, have protected sex, stop at the stop sign, etc. because it's healthy, good for you, safe or the right thing to do. No, people will do all of the above if you enforce monetary punishment, threaten to take away something that they like, tell them that they'll be better than someone else or that Jake or Mary won't think they're hot if they don't do this or that because unfortunately, health alone is never a good enough reason - the progression of stupidity has taken its toll. So here's a list of some hard core reasons why you should move your ass and get physical which you might/should take into consideration because honestly, who gives a fuck about health, right?
- No matter how mind-blowing you think your love-making performance is, trust me, the chances are with better physical fitness, it'd get even better: Increased flexibility and strength both expand the range of possible sex positions. If nothing else, working out will improve your stamina and the mind-blowing sex (you think) you already bring to the table will last even longer.
- When you're running late and you want to catch the leaving train or bus, you have a better chance of catching it. And what's even more important, you won't look like you've just run a marathon or taken a shower fully dressed with your sweat oozing out of every poor from your toes and your butt hole to your armpits and your scalp.
- If you develop more muscle mass, you won't get wasted after drinking 2 beers like the biggest sissy on the planet.
- You won't run out of breath in the club after 2 songs and then stand like a concrete moron under the performers' platform just staring at the go go dancers for the rest of the night (who don't even break one drop of sweat, of course).
- Speaking of go go dancers not breaking a sweat, you on the other hand are, if you're not used to any physical activity, so everyone who walks past you in the crowd knows how it's like to take a boat ride at the Niagara Falls or how it feels to have a lama spit on them.
- If you're a girl, you don't have to depend on men to lift or carry your shit around (or take advantage of your girlfriends who are in better physical shape). If you're a guy, you can impress some lovely lady with your mad luggage lifting skills on a plane, bus, train, horse carriage, dog-draw sleigh, wherever.
- You can meet other people when you work out and it's very likely that at least some of them look really really good since they too are working out. Even if you're taken, it never hurt nobody just to enjoy the sights - who would mind watching a lovely piece of top sirloin lather up next to you in the joint showers after you've just swam a couple of laps in the swimming pool?
- When someone farts and you have nowhere to escape, you can hold your breath longer while you wait for the fart to lose its potency.
- I know escalators and elevators are EVERYWHERE because god forbid human race moved on its own, but you should start working out despite this so when there's a blackout or some malfunction and all the weapons of mass transportation die, you don't have to as well while climbing those steps.
- If you have a really annoying partner, sibling, roommate or housemate, you have yet another good reason to start working out - so you can get away from them for a while. Pick an activity that you know they don't like or aren't good at and go and enjoy your moment of peace. This reminds me, I have to extend my hourly swims to an hour and a half...
See, there really are some actual benefits working out brings about. But please, don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that you should become the next Michael Phelps or Martina Navratilova or end up looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Heidi Klum. I'm not talking about getting skinny or extra bulky, not at all. You can still be sensuously pudgy and have all the junk in the trunk you want, but have a high level of physical fitness as well - high enough not to sweat and pant your way through life, so get a move on!
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