Oct 14, 2013

Vagina Diaries


      Many many years ago, I lived with my father (this might seem a weird way to start a post entitled Vagina Diaries, but we'll get to the vagina part in a moment, don't worry, soon you'll be swimming in vaginas, cross my vagina heart). One of the best things of living with him was hanging out with my grandmother every day. She taught me how to knit, gave me some of her secret recipes and she told me stories of times that were unfathomable to me, one of them being how my father came into this world.
      She was very much pregnant with her second child (my father) and was cooking lunch for her husband and the rest of the family who were working on the field down the hill on top of which they lived. All of a sudden she felt something, contractions, and thought: "Ok, this is it, this is the real deal," so she ran outside and yelled down the hill to her husband: "I'm going to have the baby now!" and ran back in. "Before your grandfather or anyone else came up to the house, I had already given birth. I cleaned the baby up and served lunch." If I juxtapose this story with all of the Beyonces and Angelina Jolies and Kim Kardashians giving birth with so much pomp, I'm really amazed at how little fuss people made about these things back in the day. Clearly stuff like vaginas didn't get much attention either so I'm pretty sure all of the things I'll write from this point on would be unfathomable to my grandmother.
      Women don't get the royal (drug) treatment just when it comes to child labor these days, pampering and fussing extends to days far before the P day - P as in push. A few days ago I saw a TV clip on v-steaming, a form of a vaginal spa treatment so I decided to look into it because something as a VAGINAL SPA TREATMENT had never occurred to me. What is this v-steaming? Is my vagina missing out?? It turns out that it's a procedure where you sit butt naked over a bowl of steaming water with some added herbs to spice things up. It's really good for balancing your hormones, easing your menstrual cramps, boosting your fertility and robbing you blind. Try it. But wait, there's more...
      Aside from v-steaming, you can also get your vagina bedazzled (in other words vajazzled), you can bleach it, you can buy it a feminine intimate deodorant, a c-string or a camel toe pad in case you're suffering from a bad case of - camel toe. Although I think that with vajazzling you're basically throwing your money out the window because it only lasts for 24 hours, that just the sound of bleaching my vagina makes my face cringe and that the c-string is probably more useful as a headband, there's yet another vaginal treatment that takes the cake.
      My favorite vaginal treatment has to be the G-spot shot. That's an injection of hyaluronan right in the heart of your vagina which makes it more prominent and thus you sexual pleasures can be even more pleasurable. Now wait a minute... First nobody even knew the G-spot existed till the 1940s, when it was "discovered" like some freakish new frog species deep in the swamps of some rain forest, then everybody started searching for it like it was the sasquatch, then because so many were unable to locate it, people started saying it's not real, it's a myth, it's just an urban legend like democracy and now you have people saying: "No, no, it's fine, I know where it is, just give me 1000 dollars so I can stick a needle in it." Erm... Sure. Sign me up. After all, I don't want to risk getting vulvodynia, which is vagina depression - yes, you can get that too.
      When I concluded my research, I sat down on with my vagina to talk about all this new information. It turns out it doesn't take much to make her happy, she only needs three things to spark her cheerfulness - a penis, a vibrator or a set of fingers. See, vaginas aren't that fussy after all.


      Don't forget to follow FPS via Twitter and/or Bloglovin and do come back again later this week. Posting days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so hopefully see you then!

      Peet

27 comments:

  1. I have never heard of v steaming... So informative..
    Ur grandma reaved lunch after delivering baby..!!!!! Seriously girls these days make a non required fuss over pregnency and delivery
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  2. haha you crack me up! So much weird shit out there these days!! x

    www.hausofsarahrachel.blogspot.com

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  3. Hahaha screw vagina steam therapy, peeps need to be getting their vagina's to you! Clearly we need to get back to basics here and your three needs are pretty much it. Those golden olden days, man, I couldn't imagine giving birth without all that fuss. Then again, I'd probably have remained a single gal with 20 cats and feeding the stray dogs of the village. Then again, seems my life is heading in that direction now, so... Plus that whole G spot thing, I think there are still some males out there who still have no clue. I knew someone like that once, probably why I don't go near them anymore...

    True story. LOL
    SDMxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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  4. great blog!
    would you like to follow each other?
    just let me know
    xx
    Marlena

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  5. OK, ahaha it's crazy because I just found out like 3 days ago, a spa in the north of bali said "Vagina treatment". Since it was in the middle of the massages, I was pretty confused about the kind of treatment and I guess it was the same thing that you describe (didn't dare to ask =P) and I just never heard about something like that before.

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  6. This is probably one of the funniest posts I've ever read! I love it lol.

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  7. HA! Vaginal depression. Is that what happens when you've been on your period for TOO long and it's time to get laid, pronto?

    xo Ashley
    thetiniestfirecracker.com

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  8. Peet, your grandmother is awesome, what a story, can believe she gave birth and the served lunch, she rocks! You must be like her!:) Lol, seriously treatments for vagina?! Ahahahah they all sound scary and freaky!!^^' You looking cool girl! You have such an unique and precious humour! Kisses dear, have a goodnight! xo

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  9. Vajazzling, seriously? Just when I thought things couldn't get any crazier, they do. I had never heard of v-steaming before and after reading this I am much more well-informed...to stay far far away! I think if someone is offering this type of service, there s probably people desperate and rich/crazy/bored enough to do it. The way your grandma and ladies did it back in the day without meds was impressive, they were much tougher then. Adore your cute gifs hun.

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHA (I just had a terribly awkward when my mum asked what I was laughing at in front of my laptop...)
    And I don't buy any of this bs about need a "spa" for down there... Just no. The only thing that makes some sort of sense is the camel toe pad - there's an elderly women's yoga class in my gym... I've seen far more old ladies' camel toes than I care for!

    Hayfa
    londonloafers.blogspot.com

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  11. OMG!!! Bobsssss... I was laughing all through. OMG!!! The frog joke?JEzzzzz I have never in my entire life heard of bleaching this stuff lol. I did the steaming thing for almost a year after giving birth to my boys. Well, traditionally from where i come from,you really need to steam your ''vagina'' with hot water and herbs and a drop of Detol. It's a must! You get the little ''potty'' and sit on it for minutes,It stings lol,I love your post so much,I giggled all through.
    Kisses...

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    1. Thanks, babe!!! So you did the v-steam?? I wonder if it really does feel any different afterwards... I mean... It has to if people pay for it again and again, right? Maybe I AM missing out.:)

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    2. Yeah! I did it babes.It's a silly culture ''thingy'' that needs to be done,AH! I hate to say, I hate it.But,worth doing it cause,it make you fresh and tight underneath there lol. It' so good and prevent all kinds of diseases. It's so relaxing after doing the sh*t. I think i will be doing the stuff again lool. thanks for the reminder.

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  12. Jesus christ anyone who would consider bleaching their vagina needs mental help. Seriously. xxxxx

    http://thepersephonecomplex.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Some bleach their anuses. And I get it, you like your privates to all match the... non-privates. But to go to that extent? Really? I like my vagina as it is, thank you.:)

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  13. Oh girl, I love you :-) Every time I visit your blog I know I'm in for a good time. I love how you are not afraid to write about stuff like this :-) Yay for the vayayay!

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  14. This just goes to show what crazy things people will do, and who can make a profit out of it. But you forgot one thing: people are having plastic surgery on their vagina. Seriously? What is so wrong with your vagina that it needs plastic surgery?

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    1. Yeah, that too!!! That's crazy. Why would you want to cut your vagina up... Does it really look that bad???

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  15. Haha, I´ve noticed all that fussing around vaginas lately, too. It probably already started with SATC, though. What impressed me most is your grandma´s story! Sometimes I wish things were as easy as back then ;)
    Then I also wanted to hark back to your comment on my "Blogger´s Secret" post. I must say that your approach is really enviable and sometimes I really wish I wouldn´t care as much about these things either. In fact the title of the post was a bit inappropriate though because at the beginning I simply wanted to write a post about the things that make me struggle about blogging but then it turned out to be a plain advisor post. In fact I don´t really want to be famous myself, I´m not the type for that but I wish blogs could still change something nowadays and that my blog would be the favourite thing to read for at least one person. Maybe that´s not what I want either... I can´t really explain it though. In fact our blogs have different purposes, haven´t they? While I like to write and think I´m not that bad at it, it´s not what I want to show on my blog, while you want to live on your writing which I think is such a great goal as you´re really good at writing. How many times have I been sitting in my room, all alone, laughing out loud at your great satiric texts?! I think if you had a column in a newspaper it would be beyond successful as you say what we all think but don´t dare to say ourselves :D
    Well, in fact I haven´t found my approach as a blogger yet but I agree with you in the point about these useless comments :'D I mean I don´t get museful on any blog either but if I totally dislike the blog or if I´m too lazy to read a post with just words and no pics then I keep my mouth shut xD However I would love to know how you treat such comments? Are you actually a person who comments back on every blog or do you just comment back on blogs you like or do you think it isn´t rude to totally ignore the one or the other "reader"? That´s something that really keeps me busy as some people really suck me with their ever same comments on every post -.-
    Yaaa, have a lovely day, too :D
    xx

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    1. Those mindless comments irk me so frigging bad... It would be better if people didn't write anything at all than those comments. But I do check everyone's blog and comment (actually read and give my point of view) because I think thats courtesy. But that's really just my personal decision, I don't think people do that in general...

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  16. Haha ;D You look shockingly! As usual, like a model! ;D
    Excellent combination of colors!
    You have great taste and style!


    Regards,
    Katherine Unique


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  17. I looove your writings!!! Merci for your lovely comment on my Blog - hope you‘ll come back soon ♡Love, Kyra
    FOLLOW MY BLOG // TELL ME // I FOLLOW YOU BACK!

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  18. I had not heard anything about the v - steaming . It looks cool. A spa is always good , even a vaginal one . And odorous vapors are not bad down there ... especially if you reduce the nasty menstrual pain.

    But I'm freaking out with the bleaching . I looked for something on the internet and I found the following:
    " To depigmentation, acid combinations are used : salicylic ( superficial action and aspirin derivative ) and glycolic acid ( penetrates the tissue, is inactivated in dermis media, is capable of driving the production of collagen ), or salicylic acid with trichloroacetic acid .
    At high concentrations, the use of these products polishes and burn ( generated as a diaper rash ) the surface layer of the skin and the dark tone disappears , you fall like a scab to passage of days "

    Who the hell wants to throw acid in her vagina and then watch how the outer skin falls like a scab ? Who , for heaven's sake ?

    And mine is like yours ... like the same three things . And I love the color she have.

    XXX
    http://muerdelaespina.blogspot.com.es

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    1. :D Yup, bleaching your vagina's pretty bad... I don't even wanna know how it feels, I had 4 hair laser removal treatments done down there and that's enough of my vagina burning pain, thank you.:D

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