Oct 30, 2013

What's a Polite Expression for a Lubricant?

       As a non-native English speaker (writer), I take my reality-show-watching very seriously. Where else can I update my language skills - from a book?? Bitch, please. The other day I heard a woman on E! speak about ankle strap shoes and she said that "women with curvier legs should avoid wide ankle straps at all times". The words and images emitted by the TV usually just float by and get deflected like my brain is a non-stick pan but this time those "curvier legs" stuck in my mind. What the fuck does CURVIER legs mean?! Are they crooked? No, that can't be it. Are they somehow deformed? No, that can't be either... Oooooh, I know. She meant fat. She used a euphemism for fat, trying to be polite and cute. Euphemism schmeuphemism, whatever. How do I know that's called a euphemism? Because thanks to my studies, my euphemism journey started a long time ago...
      At the university during my... I can't even remember what year it was, my student years are pretty much a big blur, but that's not important at the moment. At the university, one of the classes taught by a Dexter-looking guy (and I don't mean Dexter from the TV series, I mean Dexter from the Dexter's Laboratory cartoon because the guy only wore black dress pants, a white button up and a black knit vest every day all year long) covered euphemisms. I and a couple of other people had to make a presentation about the topic and as it happened, I went out the night before our presentation. When I walked into the classroom the next day, I was very tired and still slightly drunk. Despite the odds, everything went smoothly and when it was time for a discussion, the professor and I started chatting away like two BFFs - about euphemisms. After the lecture was over, one of the classmates came up to me and said: "You're really into this euphemism stuff, you were so engaged in the conversion with him!" I mean... With a bunch of vodka atoms still buzzing around my head, everything seemed interesting. Even euphemisms! Let me see, if I can make them interesting sans intoxicating substances as well.
      Euphemisms are indirect, non-offensive words and expressions used instead of something that might be considered offensive or unpleasant. Therefore it's no wonder that there's a sea of euphemisms for sex, vomiting, genitals, death, masturbation, toilet, basically everything and anything prudes say they don't like but secretly adore just as much as the rest of us. You might think that a euphemism is the same thing as a politically correct term, but it's not. If I give you the derogatory word "colored" and the word "black" to compare, what do you think "black" is? A politically correct expression or a euphemism? I'll give you a second to think... Think, damn it! If your guess is a politically correct term, then you're right. If you thought it's a euphemism, that would mean you think there's something wrong with being an African-American so you need a euphemism to make it sound better and you couldn't be more wrong. Black is just a politically correct term and not a euphemism, so don't confuse the two. But enough with the boring stuff, let's move on to the fun part.
      I've taken the time and gathered some of the more entertaining and clever euphemisms and here they are:
  • negative patient outcome (death)
  • chronologically challenged (late)
  • comfort woman (prostitute)
  • economical with the truth (liar)
  • domestic engineer (maid)
  • restricted in growth (short)
  • hide the sausage (have sex)
  • armed intervention (military attack)
  • well-hung (having a large penis)
  • built for comfort not speed (fat)
  • lady of the night (prostitute)
  • bathroom tissue (toilet paper)
  • cum-catcher (prostitute)
  • pearl necklace (sperm ejaculated on a woman's neck and/or cleavage)
  • pavement pizza (vomit)
  • to drive the porcelain bus (vomit)
  • to taste the rainbow (vomit)
  • to ride the cotton pony (menstruate)
  • shark week (menstruation)
  • dishonorable discharge from the Uterine Navy (menstruation)
  • anal hot chocolate (diarrhea)
  • hippoglottamus (fat)
  • golden shower (the act of peeing on someone for sexual pleasure)
  • rainbow shower (the act of vomiting on someone for sexual pleasure)
  • to grow a tail (to defecate)
  • number 3 (ejaculation)
  • cockpit (vagina)
      Even though these might seem uncommon, euphemisms are more widely used than you think, because people just love to beat around the bush. Plus-size, escort service, exotic dancer, gentlemen's club and adult entertainment are all just "prettier" expressions for fat, prostitution, stripper, strip club and pornography, but somehow it all sounds better if you say "A plus-size lady escorted a man to a gentlemen's club to see an exotic show." Yeah, right. And I'm sure he gave her a nice pearl necklace after they had enjoyed some adult entertainment in their hotel room.
      Hopefully I've managed to portray the fun side of euphemisms with this selection of examples. But none of the above, not even my Dexter-like professor, pavement pizza or cum-catcher triggered the need for writing this post. So whom (or what) do you have to thank for this insightful and undoubtedly life changing piece of writing? None other than a bottle of lubricant. Yup, that's right - lube. A few days ago, I was looking for my bottle of lube and when I found it, I started reading the label (I don't know who decides to read when put in a situation which calls for some lubricant, but apparently I do). The label read: personal moisturizer. Really? Personal moisturizer? So next time when I run out of my night cream, I can just moisturize my face with my personal moisturizer? Too much beating makes the bush unrecognizable, euphemism coiners, think about that.

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  1. One of my favourite euphemisms is the title of an entire album by Limp Bizkit called Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water. Now have a think and guess what it means.

    I also used to compare teachers to cartoon characters and movie personalities. That's how we remember them now, not by their names, duh.
    From your collection of euphemisms, I have to say pavement pizza is a favourite of mine.


    1. I know about the chocolate starfish, I've heard it a long time ago, and I know about the title of the album too, I used to listen to them like crazy.:) But it never occurred to me what hot dog flavored water would be. Until now.:D Now I have a pretty good feeling what it is.:D

  2. I use to love dexter from dexter's laboratory .. You look amazing, very well styled costume.
    Keep in touch,

  3. :D

    Just in case... I would like to volunteer for the "job" of a personal moisturizer applicator....
    The outcome ought to be fun + you wont get distracted again by reading the - pardon my French - f***ing label....

    As Always, a pleasure to read you blog (thnx for making my day - again)....

  4. As an ex-English major, I loved this post about euphamisms! Haha, I needed a refresher, and I love the list you created. Your posts are always so well written and get a laugh out of me.
    Anyway, sexy sailor theme going on here! Love the hat and striped top :)

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

    1. Yey, another English enthusiast!! Thanks for the compliment and the comment, doll, I salute you.;)

  5. Hahaha I totally get it I know what you mean the so called taboo words oh for heaven sake why can't we just state the facts. The curvy legs statement is annoying the person who said it must be frustrated skinny chick who probably diets her whole life lol you looking really stylish btw

  6. First and foremost, your top is the greatest. Aside from that, I'm still laughing about "cockpit". I don't know why it's so funny to me but it is. Also, you're hilarious. Just in what situation that you need lube DO you need to read the label? ;)

    xo Ashley

  7. ahahahah! your texts are always amazing and fun...loved your photos too!


  8. Crooked = curvy legs :) You got me laughing there!


  9. I love Euphamisms - wait did I even spell that right? Meh. Anywho the funnier the better I reckon! Love the top by the way - another Ebay find?xx
    P.S. Lucky you having someone to use lube with :P


  10. Absolutly amazing pictures and post

  11. oh yes those euphemisms, I find them quite hilarious although it's dependent on the circumstances they are used and who by. Joan River's attempt at using euphemisms on Fashion Police always cracks me up because you know she's just making a joke of it rather than trying to be genuinely sensitive. I love the ones you've identified. I must use 'cockpit' at some point this weekend ha!

  12. Ahahah Peet, I usually prefer avoid euphemisms and straight describe the things for what they really are known! But I think need to remember the ones you listed, sure they would turn useful someday!:) Many of them made me smile..Regarding it, I take the chance to say that you are so good with English, wish I was so good enough!:) Btw, I dont think the "personal moisturizer" is suitable for as night cream for example, they had to be clearer!:) You are super cool and hot dear, the striped shirt is very nice but what I love most is the hat! Happy Halloween, kisses! xo

  13. Rofl .. oh, my .. that was a good post. When you mentioned the lubricant as a 'personal moisturizer", I busted out laughing .. yeah, I don't think you'd want to use this as a hand cream, but then again .. a guy might ;-)

    Monica, www.pear-shaped-gal.com

  14. What a post girlie, and what a way to make a point! Damn! I think you need to do one on grammar and the difference between your and you're. Where, were and we're. Can you actually teach the kids over on FB who post so many grammatical errors it annoys the piss through me!

    BTW I have another one, in Australia we use the term, cum-dumpster for kinda the same thing as cum-catcher LOL
    Have a great weekend P,

    1. Oh and your 'bitch please,' made my day!

    2. Trust me, I no one to speak about English grammar. I should be pretty good at it, but I'd rather keep my mouth shut.:D I'm also pretty bad a spelling... Thank god for spell check!:)

  15. Cool outfit! Great photo of you on the wardrobe.

  16. Love the shoulder details of your top!

  17. Hi Peet, I find it so hard to believe that English isn't your first language, you write it better than some Englishmen, seriously. You're really really brilliant. Loved this very witty and cleverly thought out post (as always). I use euphemisms quite a lot. I guess it can be useful, instead of directly hurting someone's feelings, rather go about it the round about way and sugar coat things a little. I didn't even hear of half of these, thanks for the education ;) Love your nautical punk chic outfit, amazing!

  18. Haha, built for comfort not speed, that is the best one :-D Awesome little list, tee hee. I love your photos by the way. You must have been a cat in a previous life. Climbing on the furniture and all... :-)

    1. :D Maybe I really was. Or maybe I was a spider.:)

  19. I can't believe that English isn't your native language Peet! I'l have to remember some of these to use around some of my more sensitive and uptight friends. I like to tell people their private life is showing when their undies or privates are out for view unintentionally... or it might be intentional in some cases.

    Rowena @ rolala loves

    1. That's an insanely amazing compliment, babe. THANKS.

  20. OK, can I use an euphemism too ? Where the F* did you find that "vintage" coach ? I haven't seen anything like that since my childhood, and that's a big trauma coming back to me right now !

    1. That's my grandparents' old couch.:D They don't use it any more, it was covered with a sheet, but I took full advantage of it because of the vintage feel. Sorry for the trauma, babe...:)

  21. Captain's hat! <3 <3 I`m wearing mine all the time!!!
    By the way, what the hell are you doing on top ot the wardrobe?? I know it's very poetic and that stuff but... O.o

    haha I hope you`ll never try to use lubricant as facial moisturizer, I will thank you for it: D Actually, it's rare stop and start reading a bottle of lubricant; when you need it usually you use it very fast XD


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