Nov 13, 2013

My Worst Nightmare

For Peet's Sake blog pink beanie baseball jacket black H&M crop top

      Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit because I had a nightmare. I dreamt that my boyfriend said: "Ok, we've been together for so long, we have to get married now. Nothing's gonna change for us if we get married anyway so why not just go ahead and do it? What are a piece of paper and a ring gonna change? Nothing."
      "Exactly! Then why do we need that stuff?!" That was my desperate - and futile - cry for help because in that moment a minister appeared out of nowhere, my boyfriend shoved a ring on my finger, the minister said: "I now pronounce you husband and wife!" and my boyfriend kissed me while I was standing there like a log petrified with eyes wide open and staring at my boyfriend who wouldn't stop kissing me.
      I literally gasped when I woke up. I was still tensed up, my brain couldn't adapt to the idea of all of that actually not being real that fast and the fact that my boobs were glued together because I was sweating so hard due to my nervousness didn't help either. You may think there's something wrong with this picture but there isn't - I'm terrified of marriage. I don't want anything to do with it, don't need it, don't want it, get the fuck away from me with it, no way, no how. And I'm pretty lucky because I've fallen in love with a guy who feels the same way (not as frantically though, but he's on the same side of the fence as I am, I just ran a marathon and now I'm walking at a steady pace to catch my breath before I run another marathon to get as far away from the damn fence as possible). Even though I know how he feels, I was so freaked out that I called him immediately.
      "Babe! I had a nightmare!"
      "Another one? What was it about this time?"
      "You wanted to marry me!" He started laughing. "No, I'm serious! But it was weird. I was actually Scott Disick. It was me, my mind, my thoughts, but it was like I was trapped inside Scott's body. And you were Kourtney. And you just came out of nowhere and said we have to get married. And then Kim came and she was naked and she started swinging from the chandelier and we were married and I was miserable and..."
      "Ok, babe, listen to me now. There's one thing that's obvious."
      "I know what you're gonna say..."
      "You're watching too much of that Kardashian bullshit."
      "I knew you were gonna say that..."
      "Relax. Nobody wants to marry you."
      I calmed down and went about my day but I couldn't stop thinking about this and the previous nightmare I had.
      About a month ago, I dreamt I got pregnant. Yes, in my book, that's a nightmare, my worst nightmare actually. In my dream I was so miserable and desperate I wanted to kill myself. How's that for a good night sleep? I woke up all sticky from sweat and couldn't help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why the fuck am I having these horrible dreams?! But I know why. And I'll tell you.
      Just recently my best friend of 23 years got pregnant. We went to kindergarten together, we were neighbors, we hung out every day after school FOR YEARS. Then it was time for college and we picked different universities so I moved to another city and we saw each other a whole lot less. Then she met a guy, I met a guy and when I came home, she moved away to live with her guy and we hardly ever see each other. To top that, she now got herself pregnant and in a couple of moths she's going to get the cutest, tiniest, the most precious little attention whore stealing her away from me for good. No wonder I'm having nightmares.
      Now, this doesn't mean I don't think kids are a blessing. They are. They're the greatest blessing in the entire world - as long as they aren't mine. It's like with marriage: I don't want anything to do with them, don't need them, don't want them, get the fuck away from me with them, no way, no how. I've been like this ever since I can remember. That's 27+ years of having the same opinion on the matter and it fucking kills me when people treat me like a toddler and say I'm going to change my mind or that I should change my mind. Why? Would that reassure you that you made the right decision when you had them because "everyone" has them? Why do you need me to agree with you and copy your every move? Don't you feel secure enough in your own decisions, you need everyone to back them up by living exactly like you? Why do you so belligerently campaign for something that would have such an effect on my life but absolutely none on yours? I respect every single parent on the planet because being one is fucking hard and it takes a lot of sacrifice therefore I commend people who have children - so why don't you show some respect in return and not condemn people who don't? I know that herding instinct's a bitch, but we really don't need to all be alike in everything so let me not have kids and you have a bunch of them because I'm going to need someone young and non-retired to fill my boyfriend's Viagra prescription in a pharmacy and sell me some lube for my dried up vagina in a sex shop when we'll be old and senile (but hopefully still able to fuck) while you'll be on the other side of the fence running after your grandkids making sure they don't kill themselves or ruin your furniture.
      I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand someone who's on the other side of the fence when I have no problem with that whatsoever - even if I have no desire to get married or have kids, I get your world. Believe me, I've come in contact with enough married and pregnant people in my life to get your world, one of the most recent pregnant people was actually my brother's wife who's just given birth last month. With a brand new baby, she needs plenty of stuff but can't actually run to the store to get them herself so yesterday - after my marriage nightmare, how convenient - she asked me to go to the grocery store and pick up something for her and my new nephew. I wrote everything down, grabbed my boyfriend to keep me company and headed out.
      At the store it took me ages to find the stuff she wanted me to get. Why the fuck would I know where dry baby wipes and extra sensitive baby safe laundry detergent and nursing pads for breasts leaking breast milk are?? Needless to say, I was out of my element. Needless to say, my boyfriend saw the opportunity to push my biggest button and seized it:
      "You know, you better learn this stuff now, so you'll know where everything is when you'll need this stuff for yourself."
      I almost burst into tears, I kid you not. "Why would you say that?! Are you crazy?? That shit's not even funny." And to me that shit literally isn't even funny.
      When I had everything from the list, we walked to the register, the cashier tallied everything up, I paid and wanted to leave, when my boyfriend asked to register for one of those discount cards. The lady said sure, grabbed a form, filled it out and gave him the card. Then she turned to me and asked:
      "Would you like me to make one in his name for you as well, miss? That would be a lot easier for you two when you're not shopping together."
      My boyfriend looked at me, smiling ear to ear, just waiting to see what I'll say. My eyes turned blood red and my voice got ice-cold as I mouthed:
      "No. That won't be necessary." And I grabbed my baby wipes and nursing breast pads, turned on my heel and left. I almost said: "We're not even together!!" but after 7+ plus years, a joint savings account, getting the same tattoo and my dog calling him daddy, we kind of are. Probably more than some of the married children-having people I was talking about earlier. Damn.

For Peet's Sake blog pink beanie baseball jacket black H&M crop top studded litas
For Peet's Sake blog pink beanie black H&M crop top
For Peet's Sake blog pink beanie baseball jacket black H&M crop top
For Peet's Sake blog pink beanie baseball jacket black H&M crop top

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  1. Hi Peet, I have met a few people who all live by this stance and I think thats totally okay and I respect you for your decision. Marriage is a massive commitment and kids an even bigger one so it takes guts and determination to say 'hey, thats not for me'. Each person knows why works for them and what doesn't, and not being married or not having kids doesn't mean you love the person any less. A ring and a signed certificate doesn't change a thing. I admire that you made this decision and stuck with it. You and your boyfriend are the cutest couple ;) Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to stop by :)

  2. Oh right. SO I am not alone. I remember having similar dreams. Waking up feeling like shit and not being able to share the fact that I had nightmares. I.e. marriage, families, etc. Because to others I'd be the weirdo as I just called others' lifelong goals "nightmares". Geez.

    Good to know I am not alone.

    Also... *gulps*, once when I went out somewhere with the boyf, we were asked for our names, when it came to surnames, they didnt even ask for mine as they assumed we were married because I was wearing a ring on THAT finger. And that pisses me off. I was just wearing an awesome ring. It meant nothing more than an AMAZEBALLS accessory. But no.
    Hope you didn't pass out from the sheer horrorrrrrr!


    1. I'm SO happy that I'm not the only one... I'm really glad people like you (and me) spoke out!

  3. Interesting bc having a committed boyfriend is like being married, well from my experience anyway but I got crap bc I was actually single for a long time and didn't have a boyfriend, the questions were a friggin nightmare let me tell ya. What was wrong with me or am I gay? Ridiculous.

    But now I'm married of ourse people ask if I have fertility issues bc I don't have kids. I am so on the fence but everybody tells me I will regret it. I dare not say well you will regret not disciplining it and letting them watch too much tv but that would be onside red rude! Double standards and don't even get me starrted bout the self righteousness of new mums.

    But guess what even if you change your mind, who the hell cares? I used to hate carrots now my gave vegetable. People gotta stop projecting...

  4. Now that's a really funny dream..
    I don't believe in the institutions marriage too..
    U look cool in the pics.. :)
    Keep in touch,

  5. Lol I feel like you worked yourself up just writing this. Don't worry, girl. You're not the only who doesn't want kids. Sometimes I think I'm selfish for not wanting them, but Eric has two and just being a "every other weekend half-parent" stresses me out. Pass on that. I'll probably get married, but kids. No thanks.

    xo Ashley

  6. I really don't understand what people's problems are. Just live and let live ffs! I can totally understand why you're so pissed, unfortunately there will always be at least a few judgmental jerks around you who think they're opinions are more valuable that yours. My only advice would be to just learn to somehow be indifferent to all the looks and comments and always be unapologetically you.
    I, on the other hand, have a whole different problem! I want to get married and have a kid just to see what it's like. And if I don't like it, I wanna go back in time and undo it all. Since it's not possible (yet), I'm stuck between "I kinda want to" and "not really sure about it". Yikes!
    I guess I just have to grow up a bit more before I even start thinking about it :)

  7. Ha ! I'm going to write about kids too ! It makes me freaking sick that people always ask "why, why WHYYYYYYYYYYYY ????". As if there was nothing more fun in life than changing diapers, wake up at night to feed them, clean their room. It's just... why can't people understand that NOT everybody should be parents. Some people really suck at it actually, and I think that's because they felt too much like "that's what you're supposed to do" and then they're trapped (there's no way back !)
    However I'm OK with getting married but now that I've been a long time with my bf too, I'm thinking that nothing would really change, so..

  8. Hahaha love this Peet. I would like to get married one day for sure, I don't have problems with it only that EVERYONE should be able to be married no matter what or who your other half is (unless it's an animal or vegetable then no, no freakin way!) I get where you're coming from, I keep stressing about the marriage thing and NOW babies because the last two years it seems like everyone I grew up with started getting engaged and married, now they're all getting pregnant and I'm all here like ummm I don't even have a man :o( blah I hate Facebook sometimes, seven years ago I lost contact with almost all those people and if it had never came around well I wouldn't be feeling this stress and pressure to settle down. It's funny because I have a friend who got pregnant at 18 (accidentally) and now has 2 more, 1 just recently in January but when I'm around her and her fiance (they've been engaged for years - she doesn't want to get married because she doesn't need to and has the same points as you BTW) I never feel that pressure to start a family and stuff. Weird right and our other friend had both her younger brother and sister get pregnant at the ages of 19 and 20 so I'm always surrounded by babies and kiddies but it's those damn people I went to school with making me feel uncomfortable LOL.


  9. Fabulous look dear! Love the beanie, skirt, details and styling! you are rocking this trend!
    Kisses from Miami,

  10. love your skirt!

  11. Your nightmare is so cool you being Scott and all.
    Love the beanie and your cool look and style.

  12. ahahahah! what a fantastic girl you are! great nightmare!

  13. I can't decide which part is scarier: the marriage or Scott Disick. Hahaha!

    1. :D But being Scott was kind of cool!!!:D

  14. I think you're somewhat crazy but thats okay! I'm crazy too. Unlike you I'm so excited for marriage and kids. It's so cool to hear you coming from the other side of things. I've never met anyone who hasn't wanted to get married of have kids. You're so unique!

  15. So lovely of you to stop by and acknowledge my post. Happy Friday dearest Peet!

  16. Hi Peet! You know, I really admire your full honesty, thing really rare. I think you and your boyfriend are much more a couple then the ones married children-having, most of times people marry and have babies just cause is what society wants, but maybe they arent then a family. So kudos to being real and loyal to yourself first. Lol, the scene at the store made me so smile! Looking super cool dear, love your shoes! Have a goodnight, kisses! xo

    1. Thanks, babe!! Being called real and honest has to be one of the top 3 compliments ever. Thank you!

  17. No rush! When it's the right time you will no, but if you have any hesitation you should hold off. Great post lady.


  18. It is really amazing! I contacted you in regards of my lover. He no longer wanted to associate with me anymore. He was interested in working out his marriage, after begging and pleading with him I realized it was out of my hands, he really was leaving me. My co-worker went threw a similar situation and she told me that you had helped her. I cant say how much I'm grateful she introduced me to you. After discussing the resolution with you, your getting your lover back spell has done more than what I expected. My lover not only came back to me,but he has left his wife and now were are engaged, we are getting married next year, I don't know what I would have done without you. I believe in you,you are my guardian angel.if you need his help contact email address dr

  19. Ah man, that would be pretty terrifying...aha, although your fear of it is also humorous at the same time. Mostly because I can somewhat relate to it! I feel like so many people I know are getting married or pregnant, and while I'm supportive of them and admire their ability to grow up to take on these responsibilities, I know there's no way I'd be ready for it. And they shouldn't try forcing you to join their world! That is entirely your decision.
    Haha, oh man, that last paragraph had me laughing though. xD

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

    1. It's a good thing it did, otherwise it'd be a pretty gloomy post.:)

  20. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 12 years now (omg) but we're not married. I wish he'd ask me though, but I don't see it happening. He's like you, he doesn't really see the point.

    1. Now I kind of feel bad for you... Like I said, I'm lucky that my bf feels the same way and I realize that...

  21. I totally hear you marriage is a huge commitment, it is really not for everyone. I personally love being married. Love your outfit! So sporty chic and I love the pink hat!


  22. oh my gosh i would be so awkward if i dreamt like that because out of nowhere a ring was on ur finger! Anyway i love ur look dear :)

  23. I could write a dissertation about this - you know where I stand with kids and I'm not warming to the idea of long term boyfriends and husbands either. People ask if I'm lesbian because it's apparently so unusual to be single at my age - I just tell them I'm too fussy, too selfish and too lazy for all of that, which is true! My mum had the cheek to ask me if I'd consider adopting, I told her if she said anything like that again, I would divorce her: it's not carrying a baby or childbirth that bothers me, it;s what happens when it pops out. I love that you have been so vocal about this - you aint alone girlfriend!

  24. Good on you chick for knowing what you want (or don't want!) I respect peoples decisions either way and its great your bf id on the same page - makes it easier! That's pretty much why my ex and I broke up...I know what I want, he doesn't.....or he just doesn't want me - either way lol xx

  25. Hahaha
    I am completely different!!. I dreamed of marrying me three times and that I was pregnant two more.
    Th the first three times I woke up with a smile on his face. It's true. I was barefoot and with flowers in my hair ^ ^
    In the last two I woke up in a cold sweat and very afraid ... It lasted almost a week. I hate thinking about children and pregnancies.

    haha what I liked most was the "Relax, baby, nobody wants to marry you." You're really made for each other.
    But by god, joint savings account!?? That's too much!



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