I've been having my dog for a while now - 11 years to be exact - and in these 11 years there were but a few instances when I looked in the eyes of my furry friend and said: "You know what, you farting fur-ball? I wish I had your life, I wish I could be a dog, even if only for one day." To what he said: "Why are you telling ME that? Like I give a fuck. Now rub my belly, bitch!" which just solidified my previous statement. But this isn't the first howling hound-like family member of ours so I've had the chance to observe and covet the marvel of canine existence before and there seems to be a pretty much definite list of reoccurring reasons why I wish I were a dog and here it is:
- Dogs can sleep up to 16 hours a day and nobody says that's a problem - that's the norm.
- There are a couple of people whom I'd love to mindlessly bark at till they dragged me away, possibly even bite the shit out of some of the bitches.
- Sex in public places isn't punishable by law or considered obscene, it's just a fact.
- I'd have a tail. Need I say more? Tails rule.
- I wouldn't have to worry about farting discretely.
- I wouldn't have to worry about bad breath when running into a (potential) love interest - dogs sniff each other's butts, how bad can having bad breath be??
- I've always wanted to have my genitalia licked just right. Think about it, dogs can lick their own genitals - do you know how valuable that is? Forget flying or x-ray vision! Licking your own genitals, that's a true superpower! Not that I'm bashing whoever has undertaken the aforementioned oral task, they have all done a lovely (some even marvelous) job, but I simply believe in self-sufficiency.
- The fouler I'd smell, the cooler I'd be in the eyes of my peers. (I've been trying to introduce this notion amongst humans but somehow it doesn't take...)
- I wouldn't have to worry about flunking math or German because if (IF, because doggy school isn't mandatory) my owner enrolled me in dog school, all I'd have to lear is how to sit, stay and bark. Which I'd already know from the moment I'd popped out of my bitch mom's vagina, so how easy would school be?
- I wouldn't have to cook, iron, clean, dust, vacuum, fold laundry, brush my teeth myself, clip my nails myself, work, etc. a day in my life. My job responsibilities would consist of barking at intruders, chewing up things and humping people's legs - how fun is that??
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