So. It's Christmas today. Whoopee, right? Correct me if I'm wrong but you got bubkis from Santa because you did all sorts of stupid, crazy shit this past year, right? I thought so. But fret not, my little one, I've got you covered, I have a little something something for you, a little present ... Look behind you ... It's a ... IT'S A PONY!!! No, sorry, it's just my post. But it's a tad different kind of post because I didn't write it per se. But first things first...
If you have a blog or any kind of site, you can install Google Analytics to monitor your traffic (traffic = people that click on your site) and other
unimportant stuff, one of them being traffic sources (traffic sources = how those people found your site) which is one of my favorite features because it features keywords - the words people typed into a search engine (for example Google) which led them to your site. Sounds boring? Well, the theory might, but the reality isn't and since it's Christmas I decided to share the joy I get from browsing through these keywords with you.
This post is extra special for several reasons. First off, I finally have an opportunity to post something fucked up which you can't judge me for because - I didn't write this stuff, I didn't come up with it, you did, you out there. Secondly, you can get a rare and oh so interesting insight into the human psyche and if you have children or little siblings you might end up locking them away because the world is full of lunatic perverts. Besides, some of them aren't that bright. And I don't know which combination's worse - a crazy perv or a stupid perv. Or just a stupid. Anyway, here's the list of my organic traffic keywords and this is just the first half, I'll post the other half before the end of this year. The words in italics (this is italics, the words that lean to the right) are my comments, because some of them were just too good for me not to respond.
- making a wish on a penis and it will come No, BLOWING on a penis and it will come.
- for Pete's sake hurry up My thoughts exactly.
- dog licking pussy Perv.
- how to get rid of a woman That's easy - like so.
- why is my dog farting so much Why don't you tell my why is MY dog farting so much.
- how to stop dog farts That's easy - like so.
- dog fart.com
- how to look good while skiing That's easy - like so.
- sake porn
- dog farts smell And yours don't?
- hamburger ass Thanks a lot...
- how to get rid of the thought of a girl Ooo, now I feel bad...
- how to smuggle alcohol That's easy - like so.
- I don't want to eat anymore
- my dog farts a lot Join the club.
- wish I had a penis Me too!
- www porn sake.com
- 2 months growing shaving hair Wait. What?
- bloglovin penis I'm blogging and loving me some penis too!
- Ariel red hair dye I'm sure Ariel red's an actual term, yes.
- Do girls look better snowboarding or skiing?
- dog smells like rotten eggs Hey, that's not nice!
- dog won't stop farting
- how do you get rid of a girl
- how to get famous fast and easy That's easy - like so.
- how to get rid of a girl nicely Oh, you're nice one, huh?
- how to get rid of a girl that likes me You don't. Stupid.
- how to look like a streetwalker
- how to make your dog stop farting
- how make dog fart smell pretty The same way you do yours - you don't.
- numb dick undies for hair removal Come again?
- puppy farts stink Wait till the puppy grows up.
- Serbian No, Slovenian, but you were close.
- "skiing" + "sore bottom" = "no fun"
- "red shoes" naughty And "black shoes" slutty?
- admit you want to such dick Yes, Google, admit you want to suck a dick!!
- allergies to touching live snails
- am dark n i want to have a bright colour what do i do?
- animal porn blog
- animals doing porn
- balding men with long hair
- best way to ditch a girl
- bitch belly button Yeah, that belly button's a bitch.
- bloglovin.com penis
- bowtie nude No, bowtie dressed, sorry.
- boobs sake No, FOR PEET'S Sake, but you were close.
- bright red pubes What about them?
- can cotton candy make you sick
- butt cheeks hamburger Again with the hamburger ass??
- how to look hot on the ski slopes
- can a hair dresser dye my hair bright red That's kind of their job, yes. Besides, Google can't exactly see you, so it doesn't know what color your hair is, but I'm sure you'll manage to find a nice husband and breed eventually and give the world plenty of Darwin Awards candidates so kudos to you.
P.S.: Please, don't think I'm this big mushy dork drawing light hearts on the Internet. I just thought it'd be a cool idea to do something with Christmas lights (since it's Christmas) and hearts are the easiest to draw and they make the most sense - it would be pretty stupid of me if I drew a bunch of squares or triangles, right? But then again... I'm not eradicating the possibility of the fact that I love you, because I really do, there, I said it. I love each and every one of you crazy fucks for dedicating me 3 to 5 to 8 (hey, some of you have to be slow readers like me) minutes of your life 3 times a week. I don't fully comprehend why you do that, but I'm very glad you do. You're nice. And cool. And one of these hearts is for you. Yes, you. So merry fucking Christmas!