This post is definitely my favorite post ever. If you've been here before, there's a huge chance you've already noticed my minute obsession with my dog, so there's no surprise that my favorite post is about him and his everyday schedule. Since that post is over 8 months old and there have been some changes to his daily agenda, I think it's time for an update and besides, these past few days have been pretty lousy for me so taking a bunch of pictures of my Mr. Fartz and talking to him about his day is very therapeutic. But first I'll take you through my day, before I give the word over to him.
Tuesday, January 16 2014, through my eyes:
07:30 - For the past few months I've been getting up at half past seven sharp (which is a crime against humanity for someone who works from home mind you), no matter where I've been the night before or when I've gotten home because my dog's gotten diabetes so I have to give him a shot of insulin, his heart pills (which I now mix with chicken pate instead of cheese spread because he got fed up with it) and his food.
07:40 - I walked the dog.
08:15 - We got home, so I turned my computer on and started working.
12:30 - I got hungry so I made myself some lunch.
13:15 - I walked the dog.
14:00 - We got home and I decided to do some vacuuming which took me 25 minutes instead of 10 because the dog constantly got in the way. He always gets in the way when I clean, I have no idea why but it's pissing me off...
14:25 - Started working again.
17:45 - I took a break from my computer and petted the dog because he always gets restless (a. k. a. almost as hungry as those people who crashed in the Andes in 1972) in the afternoons - he used to have food in his bowl all through the day, but since he has diabetes he has to stick to strict feeding regiment otherwise his blood sugar goes through the roof and he feels and looks like he's about to die.
19:30 - I fed the dog and gave him his second insulin shot. I also made myself some dinner - I usually wait so that we eat together otherwise he freaks out if I get to eat but he doesn't.
20:00 - I walked the dog.
21:00 - My boyfriend came over and we watched this. Or was it this? Either way, you should watch both of these videos, you won't regret it. And if you will, don't blame it on me, you're the one who listens to me, it's your fault.
23:15 - I took the dog out for his final whizz before bed - he has an enlarged heart and had an enlarged prostate (had because we had to castrate him which fixed the enlarged prostate problem beautifully but created the problem of missing balls not so beautifully) so he doesn't properly discharge urine and needs diuretic pills and because he takes diuretic pills he has to go out and pee more. It's a lovely vicious circle really.
23:25 - We all went to sleep so we could do it all over again the next day. Fun.
Tuesday, January 16 2014, through my dog's eyes:
07:03 - I got up, I thought it was food time already. I walked over to her bed and stared at her face for a while. Or I hope it was her face and not the dude's because if it was, no wonder it was all in vain because he never gets up and feeds me, the bastard.
07:06 - Staring didn't work so I tried a different tactic - I walked up and down the room because my claws make a shit-load of noise hoping that would make her get the message.
07:08 - Got tired of walking and it didn't work anyways so I just tried to get back to sleep.
07:30 - She got up! Finally!! FOOD TIME!!!!
07:31 - She gave me some brown gooey stuff, I like that. She used to give me some white shit, but this brown stuff is way better, why the fuck didn't she give me this in the first place?! Fucking humans.
07:36 - Oh, no, it's poking time... I fucking hate poking time. What did I ever do to deserve this?? Maybe if I move and twist like a little maniac she won't poke me. Miss me, miss me, now you gotta... Ah fuck, she got me.
07:40 - We went out. And I wasn't pleased. I'd much rather sleep in. And my fucking back hurts and my hips hurt. What's with getting up this early anyway?? We used to sleep in and ... Uh, look, a half eaten sandwich, SCORE!
08:15 - We got home and she ran straight to the stupid box. And me? What am I supposed to do?? I know, I'll get a drink. Just a little something something, just a sip to pass the time.
08:18 - I emptied the bowl. My head was spinning from all the gulping.
08:55 - I woke up on the kitchen floor, I must've blacked out. Man, I gotta quit this shit, I think I have a drinking problem... Now what? Let's see what she's up to, let's go to the box room.
10:35 - I must've dozed off when I got to the box room. Again. Apparently I'm still tired from the walk. Man, walking sucks. You have to move your front left paw while you move your back right paw and then the front right paw together with the back left paw and then again and again and again - so much frigging work! If humans are so smart, why don't they invent some sort of a machine, a wagon, something like a skateboard that would...
12:25 - Fuck. I've fallen asleep again. What's with me?! I'm sure she puts something in my food! Oh, food. I'm hungry. FOOD.
12:26 - I walked over to the kitchen, the food bowl was empty but I still licked it and moved it around the kitchen to make a lot of noise hoping she'd get the hint.
12:29 - I got tired of licking and moving the bowl. She doesn't care anyway. She never does. She never gives me any food anymore. She doesn't love me. But that's fine, FINE I TELL YOU. I don't love her anymore either, I hate her, she's a BITCH! And... And... And ugly! And... Wait, she's coming to the kitchen so this means it's FOOD TIME.
13:00 - So listen. I've watched her carefully for an eternity, I followed her every move. When she opened the cabinet - I was there. When she took out the pots - I was there. When she opened the fridge - I was there. When she took out the food - I was there. When she went to the pantry - I was there. And when she came back - where do you think I was? At a frigging spa getting a massage with a happy ending?! No, bitch, I was there!! But did she reward me, did she give me anything for my loyalty and help and support and assistance?? No. NO! She just made food for herself and ate it all. She really doesn't love me anymore. No one does. I'm all alone, I have nobody. I feel so alone. I feel lonely, lo-lo-lo-lo-lonely, you're the one and only who makes me feel so bluuuuuue!!! I feel lonely, lo-lo-lo-lo-lonely, you're my only homie, why don't you give me fooooooood???
13:15 - Great, she's done eating and wants to go out. Fine. I'll show her. I'll find something to eat outside. I'm a big dog, I can take care of myself. I just hope she doesn't put me on a leash...
13:21 - Ha! I've found something. I think it's a dead mouse or something. Who cares, FOOD TIME. I just have to make sure she doesn't see me, I have to move fast.
13:22 - Damn, she saw me! Yeah, scream, bitch, I ain't scared of you, whatcha gonna do, huh?? Fuck, she's running to get me! Must. Eat. Fast!!
13:23 - Great. She put me on a leash. That's fine, I'm full now anyway.
14:00 - We got home. I drank a bowl of water again. I had to, I think the mouse's tail got stuck in my esophagus...
14:02 - Cool, she got out the suction thingie. It's time for some mind games, ladies and gentlemen. You wanna suck under the table? Ha, I'm here! You wanna suck behind the chair? Ha, I'm there! You wanna suck in the middle of the room? Ha, I'm there too! Must. Get. In. The. Way. God, I love this loud suction thingie game.
14:25 - She's done playing. Now what? I know, I'll get a drink. Just a little something something, just a sip to pass the time.
15:45 - Woke up on the kitchen floor again, I'm so badass. Now what? I could eat something since I'm already here, but no, the damn bowl is empty. I feel I have such a hole in my stomach, such a hole in my heart, I feel so unloved. I'm sure she doesn't like me. I'm sure nobody likes me but that's ok, I don't like yall anyway, I don't like yall anyway, fuck all ya! I got my watch talk for me, my whip talk for me, my gat talk for me, BAH, what up, homie?! Even bitches who don't know me they wanna blow me... Man, 50's the bomb, he's a true poet. I wish they didn't cut my nuts off, I'd grab them right now. God... My nuts... They cut my nuts off!! Just like that!! A minute of silence for my nuts and all the nuts floating around in nut heaven.
17:05 - Damn, I dozed off AGAIN. No more minutes of silence, those always fuck me up.
17:45 - She actually left the box alone for 3 seconds and acknowledged the fact that I exist! Maybe she still does care about me... Good! It's about time she smartened up. Now rub my belly, bitch!
18:55 - I think it's food time already. I gotta get up and walk up to her to let her know. FOOD TIME. Give. Me. Food. Yes? No? COME ON!!!
19:03 - What about now? Is it now? Food time? Food? Yes? No? Maybe?
19:11 - How about now? FOOD TIME!!!
19:16 - Now? Is it now? I saw you move your foot. It's now, right? FOOD!!!
19:19 - Ok, now you're just messing with me!! Give me food. Follow me into the kitchen. See, I'm walking towards the kitchen, you should too. COME ON! I'm open, I'm open!
19:21 - Fuck you. I'm not eating anything anymore. Even if you gave me a block of cheese the size of my head, I wouldn't touch it. Fuck you and your food.
19:30 - FOOD TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19:36 - Oh, no, not the poking again... Fine, fine, just do it and then leave me the fuck alone!
20:00 - We went out. I was really tired and my hips hurt so I walked really slow. I love how she walks really slow too and lets me go past her so I don't feel like I'm falling behind all the time. I hear dogs say their people don't care about stuff like that, that they treat them like they're animals or something. I know my boss lady's kind of cool, I kind of like her. I ain't no softy but I kind of like her. She's ok. For a human.
21:00 I was woken up by the door bell, the dude came. Finally we all got together and she took me in her lap and the world made sense again. I don't remember much after that, it's all a blur, I was so tired from the entire day, I was in and out of sleep - which I deserved! Two bowls of food, three bowls of water, half a sandwich, a mouse (probably) and a couple of belly rubs. I'd say it was a pretty good day, can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. Fun!
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