Feb 5, 2014

Dear Doggie Diary


      So... This will probably come as a complete surprise to you since I rarely talk about it, but I have a dog. Yes, I know, a dog. He's a westie and his name is Leos. What a shocker, right? But what's even more shocking is that he keeps a diary. Yup, a doggie diary. I thought I'd post one of the entries from his diary today because I think you might be sick of me and my rambling so it will be a nice change of pace. Everything from now on are his words and I am in no way, shape or form responsible for them. Just wanted to make that clear.


       Fuck! It's been so long since I've last written anything!!! That's because I lost my pen. No, scratch that, I didn't lose anything, I don't lose stuff! I've put it behind the pillows on the couch like I always put my other stuff - cheese and leftover treats and shit - but then they're NEVER there, when I want to get them. It's like that couch is a fucking Bermuda triangle or something! I should make a movie about that. The Curious Case of Fucking Everything.
      Anyways. A couple of days ago, that wet stuff was coming down from the sky. She calls it rain, I call it Mother Nature's crap balls. And it was coming down hard. She said it was a downpour. No, woman, that's no downpour, that's diarrhea. Mother Nature's shitting on us BIG TIME. I fucking hate that wet stuff. Then you're all wet and dripping and... Wet. What's another word for wet? Eh, who cares, I'm a dog, I don't need to know a shit-load of synonyms for shit. Fuck.
      There's another thing I hate about Mother Nature's crap balls. The coat. That fucking stupid red coat. It says 'PLEASE ENJOY' on it. Well, thank you, I will - when I take it the fuck off!!! And she hates it too, I know it! Every time she's putting it on she's like: "I'm sorry, but I have to. We have to. It's a downpour outside and your fur is thinning and you can catch a cold otherwise." My fur is thinning? Bitch, please. I'm F L A W L E S S. And I don't even need a mirror to look this good. What.
      Back to the coat. I told her, I ain't walking in this shit. Na-a. I gave her every single signal imaginable but of course she didn't get it, humans are so clueless. She literally stuffed me in the coat and then literally dragged me down the hall and literally pushed me out the door. Literally! She started walking and got so far, I could barely see her. I just stood there, right next to the door, under the roof. Fuck this. Then she turned and started screaming something but I didn't hear her, the crap balls were too loud. She kept standing there like a moron waving her hands and screaming. I got sick of waiting for her to come to her senses so I sat down.
      Finally, she came back and opened the door and I ran inside. She said: "Oh, now you can walk, you damn f..." That wasn't nice of her, sometimes she sounds like a sailor, I don't know what's with all the fucking swearing. Then we got back home and she put me in the other coat, the blue one.
      Although it's still a coat and I hate it, it's better than the red one, at least I can move in it. After that diarrhea downpour incident, she never put me in the red one. She: zero. Leos: one hundred twenty-two million seventy-five thousand billion millions. I must say, I've trained her well. And they say you can't teach an old human new tricks. Ha. I should make a movie about that. How to Train Your Human.
      So yesterday it crap-balled again and she put me in the blue coat. Fine. I walked. I needed to pee anyway. But then the worst thing possible happened!!! This dog came, this gorgeous slice of heaven, her butt smelled like the shizznit! And I was standing there with this stupid coat on, I almost died of shame. I've told her time and time again, I can't be wearing this crap, it's messing up my street cred, it's messing up my game with the ladies!!! But does she listen?!?! Nooooo! I get no respect around here. That's what I need. Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But then, when I thought this shit can't get any worse, the shit got worse. The owner of that other lady dog said: "Ok, enough playing, GIRLS, we have to go." GIRLS?!?! Really?!?!? It's a BLUE coat, you imbecile. And if that didn't give me away, there's something dangling from my belly - A DICK. I was so mad, I wanted to pee on the dude. I waited for her to stick up for me and say something, but she didn't! She must've liked his pheromones or something, I don't know, humans don't have tails, you never know what their thinking.
      So this settles it. Come rain or come crap balls, I'm not wearing either one of those coats again. I'm not.

      Don't forget to follow FPS via Twitter, Bloglovin and/or Google+ to get the latest updates and other randomness. But most importantly, do come by again sometimes to see what's new on the blog - posting days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, so see you then.

      Peet

25 comments:

  1. Aw he's just so cute! I like the red coat ~ very fashionable. My dog Taylor hates his harness, but he walks so much better in it. All the pulling he does is transferred to his chest in the harness instead of his neck where be basically is choking himself .. ah, dogs .. why don't they understand that we do these things to help them <3

    Monica, www.pear-shaped-gal.com

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    1. Exactly!! Why don't they get it's for their own good??? I hate dog coats too, I'd never make him wear one if he wasn't losing hair and getting sick all the time. Ah, dogs...:)

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  2. Hahahaha! He should totally make a movie about that. AND write a book. Leos is a-ma-zing!

    http://naomemandeflores.com/en

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  3. You're harassing your dog by putting on a coat :) Where are the little shoes and hair ties?

    http://petitemaisonoffashion.blogspot.com/

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    1. Oh no, my dear, no shoes and no hair ties, I fucking hate that stuff. I hate coats too, I don't think dogs or other animals should wear clothes. So imagine how devastated I was when his vet said that he's losing hair and needs to be walked in a coat when it's cold or raining or else he'll caught a cold or pneumonia. And since he's old, has diabetes and an enlarged hear, getting sick would really really REALLY suck. To say the least. So I swallowed my pride and bought him a coat. And now he hates me and thinks I'm a mean bitch.:D

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  4. Hahah what an awesome post Peet! I had a book called Bad Dog's Diary and this post totally reminded me of it. Check it out. Its a really funny book. Your little mutt is too cute!!

    xx
    www.JuneWantsItAll.com

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  5. So cute! I'm with ya I hate that wet stuff too!

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  6. Hahaha, your dog is too cute and very photogenic, to be honest I quite like the blue coat, he looks even more adorable in it...you should get more, lol. This is like dog with a blog but a millions time better. Had a good laugh at the street cred issue, maybe you need to get him a mini leather biker jacket, that should have the ladies rolling in. Another super post from you!

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  7. Hi dear!!
    Thank you for worrying about me =)
    I've been so busy with my school's homework cause this week i'm having mi grades? - is this word ok?- (i'm very very proud of them ^^). So i wanted some time to do things on the right way and a blog is like a big tumour absorbing all your energy haha
    No. It isn`t true. I really missed it
    I have lots of new ideas and photos and ideas to take new photos and ufffffffff
    i need lots of time!! =)

    your dog is really smart, i've spend last 5 months trying to teach mine how to write a little sentence but he can't.
    I agree with your child: i hate dog's coats. It's the worst thing humans have invented for them. My boyfriend's mother bought mi babe a really ugly coat. It was military print with a fluffy hood. Soooo disgusting!!!

    XXX
    http://muerdelaespina.blogspot.com.es/

    PD. i will read all your posts from past days calmly =)


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    1. YES. I think my dog is really smart too - a real smartass.:D

      Military coat with fluffy hood??? Really??? I'd rather die.:) I got these two coats because one was the cheapest they had and the other one was the only one that was lined and really warm. We get really bad winds here and I have to keep him warm otherwise he'll catch something. And a 77 year old grandpa can't get sick...

      I like how you compared a blog to cancer. I agree.:)

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  8. Hehe come rain or come crap balls...new favorite quote! ;)

    The Dragonfruit Diaries

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  9. Ahahah Peet, you naughty! But made me so smile! He is utterly adorable with his coat! Though I think I prefer the blue one most, at least is recognizable is a boy!:P How poor, his face seems to say Im sooo embarassed! Kisses dear, to u and him! xo

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  10. Hahaha, loved this! Too funny. He looks precious in his little coat :)

    -Jen

    www.vibranbeautyblog.com

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  11. Mr. Fartz is such a cutie! I love the easy-grab-handle on top of his outfit. Do the raincoats help reduce the wet doggie smell that follows them getting wet? I hadn't realized he thought he was macho. I think he'd look adorable with a big pink hair-bow. And a pink raincoat. And pink hair dye. Okay, so I love pink - and I'm a guy. I seem to remember a human with a wagging tail near the end of the movie "Shallow Hal", and I've seen tailless humans wag their booty. Now that I think of it I've seen overly skinny models try to wag what they didn't have any of before - it was a little strange. I can sympathise with Mister Fartz about losing treats in the couch. That happens to me too. Cheer up Mister Fartz. I've read earlier posts about what a life of leisure you lead. :)

    http://www.full-brief-panties.blogspot.com/

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    1. I love that easy-grab-handle too, I though I'd come in handy when I'd walk him but since he hates the coat and doesn't walk in it, that handle is useless.:) But you couldn't be more right - he's a spoiled brat and should stop with the bitching!:)

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  12. okay, those coats ARE pretty lame (sorry :D) and I totally feel Leos in this situation. but of course I'm not stupid and I understand why some dogs must wear those things. my own dog wears them sometimes when it's really cold and he has to be outside for longer than usually. but his coats are military and a regular blue one without strange texts, haha. and both are warm winter coats. Leos' coats are too cute, I must say, so that's probably the reason he hates them :) by the way, his baby pink ears are SO adorable!!! :D

    Maiken,
    Maikeni blogi - part of me

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    1. I agree, very lame.:) And I agree with the pink ears comment too, but I won't tell him you said that, he's too macho to be adorable if you ask him.:D

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  13. Hold the press - I am back!
    I think Leos needs a regular column by now. He could be a cool agony aunt too. How to solve problems with coats, humans and still be cooler than anything. Yep, I'd write to Leos.

    Also, I really like the red coat. Looks so adidas or something.

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  14. I wish I could tell you how much I enjoyed this post, stop moving his pen from the back of the couch so he can post again soon.

    Corinne x

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    1. :D Heey, I'm not doing that to be mean, I'm just cleaning up.:D Imagine how excited would you be if you shoved your hand behind the pillows one evening and found a week old piece of cheese.:)

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  15. Another Doggie Diary! :D :D :D I think I may have said this before, but this is where your genius truly shines Peet and I feel like I should petition for you to start of blog of dog ramblings and provide us all with hours of laughter and good humour!

    Hayfa
    www.londonloafers.com

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    1. Maybe I should steal an entry or two from his diary again.:)

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  16. This is hilarious. If dogs really had this personality and I could even understand a fraction of what they were thinking, I would so get myself a dog. That coat looks so cool but I look at dogs like I look at babies and think how do we know we are not hurting them or making them feel uncomfortable. They cant really communicate whether something is making them feel uncomfortable but Im guessing you have a great relationship with your dog so would have a good sense of when he's not happy......

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    1. My dog definitely has tons of personality, this bitchy diva personality in particular.:) And you're right, I've been around him for so long that I get him pretty damn well.

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  17. Aw, I wish he liked his coat. It's so cute!! Todd loves his but it doesn't have sleeves. He needs booties!

    xo Ashley
    thetiniestfirecracker.com

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