Don't worry, this won't be a violent or aggressive post, I just have to get something off my chest and it actually involves something that I in fact have on my chest - my boobs. I've been having my breasts for a while now and I've already written about the troubles that come along with having these meaty fun bags here but lately a new annoyance regarding them has arisen. The annoyance incarnated as an ape-like, bipedal form - as a human. Let's call this annoyance a boyfriend. My boyfriend.
"Nothing." But a boy's nothing is never like a girl's nothing because they always tell you straight away what the thing hidden inside that nothing is. "I was reading something about boobs today."
Ok, this sounds intriguing. "Really? About fake ones or real ones?"
"Doesn't matter," actually it does, the fakeness or the realness of a breast is always an important matter, "the article was about bras and that 70 % of women wear bras that aren't the right size for them."
Yup, this is how you suck all the fun out of a boob conversation. "Oh... Yeah, I know, I've heard that too."
"I'm sure you're not wearing the right size either."
"Sure I am," I said dismissively. And calmly.
"No, you don't. Did you ever have yourself measured properly?"
"No, you don't have to do that, you can do it yourself at home." I was starting to lose my patience.
"No you can't. Why would they say that you have to go to a special store then, huh??"
"Because the article was sponsored by a lingerie store? Because women are lazy and can't use a tape measure on their own? I don't know why, I don't care, I know my size." Definitely losing my patience.
"You just think you know your size, I'm sure it's the wrong one."
"Do you know how long I've had these boobs?? Since I was 12! Trust me, I know boobs and I know bras!" And there it went - bye-bye, patience.
"Just because you have them it doesn't make you an expert, I've read an article about it!"
An article? Really? Believe me, the conversation went on and on because neither one of us was ready to ease off and I was getting properly pissed. Imagine your boyfriend or husband came up to you during your period, threw your tampons away and shoved a pack of tampons from a different brand in your hands: "Trust me, these are the best, I've read an article about them." Wouldn't you want to strangle him?
I, on the contrary, don't have to read anything, I aready know women wear bras that aren't right for them. Do you know why? Because they like to think they have bigger boobs than they do and that are slimmer than they are, that's why they chose cups that are too big and that compensates for the band being too tight for their ribcage because of course they choose too small of a band too. That's the same as with clothes - women always try to squeeze themselves in smaller clothes, it's a mental thing and I know all about it. Now tell me this: Would a woman that has had C/D cups since the age of 12 try to squash her two masses of lard and glands into a bra that isn't the right size for her? I don't care how many boobs you had to fondle and lick through to get to where you are today, boyfriend dearest, but that doesn't make you a boob master. Having these stuck to my chest for 16 years does. "But I read an article about it!!"
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