You know how old couples (my grandparents or Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick for example) don't sleep together in the same bed or even bedroom anymore? I'd always thought that that was so sad and unnecessary but then yesterday happened and I started thinking - these old people really are on to something! There's of course the constant squirming (mine just as much as his) which is never in sync. There should be something like a sync button on the side of the bed for that. Or a set of two straitjackets. And of course, when I want to stay up and read with lights on, he wants to sleep and vice versa. And of course, when I want to sleep with the window open, he wants it closed and vice versa. So basically all of that happened yesterday, but the thing that bothered and bothers me the most is the frigging heat. His heat.
When he falls asleep, he heats up like a ... I don't know what the fuck heats up when it sleeps but he does. A lot. And yesterday I thought I'd sweat my skin away or start to boil and evaporate in thin air. Luckily, our bed is next to a wall so when he and thus the bed and thus I heated up, I was able to snuggle up to the wall - to get away from the lava boy and to counterattack the scorching heat. I already told him countless times, but this time I mean it - tonight I'm measuring his temperature. Rectally. I swear to God I will. (Funny, how you'd never think 'God' and 'rectally' will be linked together but somehow priests found a way to fill that crack. I mean gap. Bridge that gap. That's what I meant and I'm sticking to it.)
But before we go to bed and I take his temperature, I still have to put together the today's post and in the light of recent events, I've weighted the pros and cons of two people sleeping together. And here they are:
+PRO: You get spooned. And there really aren't a whole lot of things in this world that beat getting spooned.
-CON: You can end up being the big spoon permanently (like me) so there isn't much in it for you.
-CON: There's a lack of space and thus there's a constant battle over blankets and mattress space and perpetual pillow fights. But not the ones you imagine Playboy Playmates having in their little bunny house.
+PRO: It feels really good when you win that extra centimeter/inch of a mattress or covers. I always feel like the queen of the blanket then.
+PRO: When it's cold, you can use your partner as a source of heat and steal their warmth.
-CON: Usually when it's cold, it's cold for the both of you and there's a 50/50 chance you'll get freezing cold feet shoved in between your thighs, next to your calves, down your pajama next to your butt, under your armpits, in-between your boobs, you name it.
-CON: You can get hit during the night because the other person is tossing and turning like a sausage on a grill and then you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night because he elbows you in the nose or knees you in your kidneys and you want to strangle him.
+PRO: When your partner's been annoying you the entire day, you can punch them in their face on purpose and say that it was all an accident. "I must've just turned in my sleep. Sorry."
+PRO: You don't have to put up with bad morning breath.
-CON: You can't play the bad breath morning game where you bad breath bomb your sleeping buddy. Whenever I wake up before my boyfriend (which is often enough for me to become a bad breath morning game champion) I like to lick the tip of his nose with my wretchedly smelling tongue right before I get out of bed. I sure am not a morning person, but I do love that morning game. Want a little tip? Make sure to start at the septum so you run your tongue over the sleeping victim's nostrils so you scrape some stale saliva on the inside of their nose. You're welcome.
-CON: One of my pet peeves is when someone scrapes my leg with their toenails. It freaks me out, I got chills down my spine just writing about this. Of course my boyfriend is fully aware of that and regularly tends to his toenails. Not. I think he purposely keeps them extra long and sharp so he can reach me from another room not just from the other side of the bed with them - just because he knows it bugs me. It's like sleeping with a wolverine and that's an indisputable con for me.
+PRO: You can find out your partner's pet peeve and annoy them till the end of time. Or until you wise up and get separate beds/bedrooms. Remember - she who has the last laugh ...
-CON: If you sleep alone and an intruder or serial killer comes in the room, there's almost a definite chance you'll end up hurt or dead.
-PRO: If you're sleeping with someone else and an intruder or serial killer comes in the room, they might decide to off your bedmate instead of you and finally, you'll get the bed to yourself.
-CON: You can't wear what you want to bed. Even though my boyfriend hates my pajamas (even this one in the pictures) and calls them grandma pajamas, I'd actually much rather wear onesies. But since I know those would freak him even more, I oblige. For now.
+PRO: On the other hand, not wearing onesies is a definite plus for me because I get up and pee at least 2 times per night and an overall would make my peeing trips a bitch - I'd have to get fully undressed in the cold bathroom at 2 a.m. just to be able to pee.
-CON: You have to explain to your partner sleeping next to you why your ex is drunk texting you at 4 in the morning.
+PRO: You can keep a close watch on how many drunk exes are texting your partner. Which can basically be a con too since what you don't know can't hurt you and that just further proves my point - old people really know best.
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