Mar 28, 2014

It's Self-Portrait, You Dumb Fuck!

For Peet's Sake blog

      I've hailed (more like cursed) the extent of human stupidity before (here and here for example) but it seems that when it comes to cerebral inefficiency, the topic is over-flowingly abundant. What a shocker. These things are usually just my meaningless observations and I smirk at them all to myself but lately I've seen esteemed publications (like New York Magazine, Vogue and even the Oxford Dictionary) promoting the trend and I'm getting pissed as fuck. What am I talking about? The selfie.
      I don't care if people take selfies — do what you want, it doesn't affect me anyway. On occasion, I actually take pictures of myself with my phone too, mostly with my dog though when he climbs in my lap for a belly rub and for his farts to more easily reach my face. My phone is thus full of pictures of him (and yes, me) because I know he's going to die eventually and I want to have plenty of material to torture myself with after he's gone. Yes, feel free to call me an emotional cutter. But do I take pictures of myself 37 times a day 25 at a time? No. Do I post them online? No. Do I think I should? No. Will I ever? No. Do I care if people waste their time taking pictures of something that they see everyday anyway and others obviously already have seen too? No. Why this post then, huh? Why? I'll tell you why. Because of Danny Bowman.
      Danny Bowman? Go on. Say it with me: Who the fuck is Danny Bowman?! Danny Bowman is — wait for it — the first victim of selfie addiction. Almost. He spent 10 hours a day trying to take the perfect 'selfie', he dropped out of school, lost a ton of weight and locked himself in his room for 6 months before he tried to commit suicide by swallowing some pills AND THEN his parents finally decided to intervene and took him to a hospital. Honestly, when I read that on some site yesterday, I wanted to stab myself to death with my keyboard, I really did. But then I didn't. I took a selfie instead.
      Selfie ... I fucking hate that word. Do you know we already had a word for it? It's called a self-portrait and Vincent van Gogh and Frida Kahlo and Robert Mapplethorpe for example have been doing it waaaay before Kim Kardashian or Danny Bowman even thought of picking up their dumb smartphones. It's called a self-portrait whether you do it with a canvas and oil paints, a DSL camera, a phone or if you carve it out of a potato. But apparently people at Oxford Dictionaries thought they should be hip and cool and they added 'selfie' to the English vocabulary. Now I'm waiting for lol to be next, lol as a verb, mind you. To lol: to laugh out loud; past tense loled, past participle loled; example of use: You will have loled when I show you this selfie I had taken. Well, fuck me.

      When I was still in primary school, I had a huge Madonna-like gap in my teeth. My brother teased me because of it like he was getting paid in gold for it. And every time I ran to my mom crying: "Moooom, he said a whole cement mixer can park in between my teeth sideways!!!!" One day, she had it and said to me: "You know what, honey? Next time he says anything just ignore him. He's doing it because he knows it'll upset you. Just ignore him. Ok?" And she was right — I ignored him and he left me alone. Until he found another way to torture me, of course. But nevertheless, my point is this: all these important magazines and institutions talking about something so irrelevant draw unnecessary attention to it. And as if that's not enough, then they call even more attention to it by making up some disease related to it. Bitch, please.
      Of course it's a lot easier to stick a nice label on your life challenges and obstacles instead of facing them and getting over them yourself. Hell, maybe somebody will even invent a pill for your problem if you wait long enough doing nothing, they're developing a pill to treat anorexia after all. So let's just all take a bunch of selfies and feel sorry for ourselves in the meantime, but first be sure to pick your problem: we have selfie addiction, Facebook depression (a condition when you're looking at pictures of other people and you're jealous because you aren't doing what they're doing basically), social anxiety, FOMO (fear of missing out) and a shit-load of other bullshit stuff.
      I can already hear the whiners: "I have a serious condition, man, and I can't help myself." No. No, you don't. What you have is too-much-time-on-your-hands-and-dumb-as-fuckness, that's what you have and you can be helped. A bullet through your brain would clear that up for you nicely. Take it twice daily with plenty of water and you should feel better. Success is guaranteed after the first dose actually.
      I'm telling you, this year I'm definitely asking Santa for an extra giant extra fast extra destructive pill in a form of a meteorite to come and hit the Earth because this shit has gotten out of hands. The president of 'the greatest country' on the planet taking pictures of himself at  a   m e m o r i a l   s e r v i c e? Come on. This shit has to stop. This shit has gotten too far. This shit has become so astronomically fucked up that only something of astronomical origin will cure it.

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