Yesterday, my brother and his wife invited me over to their house for lunch. I always love going there for several reasons, one of them being my nephew. Even though I'm not too big on kids, I like him because he's cool as fuck. A total smarty-pants and can be a huge pain in his parents' ass but since my ass is a separate item (and is thus able to leave sooner or later), I find him delightfully feral and charmingly bonkers. Besides, hanging out with him gives me an excuse to act like I'm 5, which is what I want to do in life. As a profession.
Besides the blue-eyed blond-haired bundle of fun and crazy, I have another nephew but since he's basically fresh out of the oven (you can actually still smell some placenta on him (or is that vomit?)), I don't know exactly what to do with him quite yet — he's basically just some amoeba-like creature with humongous eyes. For now. But due to his amoebic characteristics he can't sit on his own so he wasn't at the table with us and to be honest, I have no idea where he was during our lunch. I guess that makes me a horrible aunt, but I'm sure his parents knew where he ran off to so that's a plus for them. As for me, I was keeping tabs on his older brother who ate half my carrots and had a staring contest with my fish. Then he gave it a through oral check-up as he poked fun at and about its tiny teeth so I told him about how sharks have multiple rows of teeth which keep growing and growing. Then he said that he wanted to be a shark when he grew up. Or was that me? Or just voices in my head? I'm not 100 % sure anymore.
It turned out it had nothing to do with sex but with sexual intercourse's byproducts — it was a booger suction aid thingie. You stick one end in the kid's nostril and the other one in — you're going to love this — the vacuum cleaner.
"You're joking, right?""No. Why would I?" said my brother's wife. "It's a lot easier and faster than sucking it out with your mouth." Strangely, I found that even more disturbing.
"So you're sucking your son's face with a vacuum cleaner. That's nice. What does he say about it?"
"Oh, he hates it. He screams like he's being slaughtered." No shit, he thinks his head will get sucked off of his body. And since he's an amoeba, that's totally plausible.
But I get it, I do. I know parents (usually) don't want to admit this, but every now and then they have to find an innocent not too harmless way to torture their kids. That's 100 % true, trust me. They might deny it, but I know better. And I fully support that. Do you know what you have to get through to get an amoeba impersonator? When you come to the hospital, they first give you an enema, then a nurse shaves your privates if you haven't taken care of that on your own already and then you have to push and suffer through pain (if you do what's best for your child and you don't get an epidural) and as if that's not enough, there's a chance they cut your perineum if it doesn't tear on its own and then you go home and never sleep or have sex ever again till your kid's off to college. But don't worry, not all is black and dark and depressing, there's a beacon of hope, there's one tiny upside to look forward to — sooner or later, you'll be able to vacuum your kid's face.
I often say that the only sensible reason to have kids is so you can (if you train them well, that is) have someone to take out the trash for you, but apparently there's another one. Sucking your kid's face off does have a ring to it. Payback really is sweet, I guess. And slimy.