Mar 10, 2014

Talk About a Talking Potato


      I never listen to the radio. You have no control over the songs they play and most of the time I hate them all and when I don't, some annoying wiseguy talks over them. And they almost never have anything entertaining to say. But today I took my mom's car to run some errands and she always suffers a minor heart attack when I shove some of my music in the CD slot and forget to take it out, so I stopped doing that - I need her to stay alive so I can borrow her car some more.
      As soon as I turned the key, the radio came on and some dude started talking about his kid with cerebral palsy. Sweet. I'm in a hurry, I have a million things to do, there's a traffic jam, I'm not in a good mood as it is and now I have to listen to some guy talking about how he thought his life was over when his kid was first diagnosed with cerebral palsy? No wonder the suicide rate is going up - make a show about a day in a life of a bunny or where do rainbows come from, damn it.
      Then it was time for a music break and this came on. The title of the song is 'Ljubosumje' which is Slovene for 'That's Why I Don't Listen to the Fucking Radio - Ever'. For all of you who don't understand Slovene, the dude is singing about jealousy and how he's jealous because he doesn't know who's keeping his girlfriend company when he's away. I'll tell you who. Somebody who doesn't sing this stupid song, that's who. But to tell you the truth, the more I listened to the lyrics the more I related to it. I was kind of getting jealous too - of all the deaf people of the world who're relieved of this crap.
      When I was just about to kill the damn thing, some woman started talking again and I was immediately intrigued. Why? Because she said: "Even potatoes communicate." Wait. What? I've seen a talking rabbit or two in my life and there was this one time I saw (and talked to) a leprechaun, but a talking potato? What have you been smoking, woman?
      As it turned out, probably nothing, because she was boring as fuck, but potatoes do in fact communicate. When you have a row of potatoes and the first one is attacked by a swarm of Colorado potato beetles, the FFFF (First Future French Fry) signals the plant next to it and than that one signals the one next to it and so and so forth and then you have potatoes as far as 1 meter/3 feet away producing some poisonous thingie (I forgot the name, it was a long one, a chemical one) which potatoes produce when attacked by beetles to kill or at least repel them (that's that green thing on potatoes which you shouldn't eat because it isn't good for you (even thought you're not a beetle (probably))). So you have potatoes far far away suiting up for battle way before the battlefield even comes to them because one of their homeboys warned them. Now tell me that that's not cool. Go on, tell me. You can't because it's damn fucking cool and you know it.
      As the lady went on about some shit about peppers or something, I remembered an article I've read recently claiming that dolphins actually aren't as smart as we've thought they were. Which is in my opinion bullshit but I'll still summarize the article. It said blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda dolphins actually aren't smart because they actually don't communicate with us or amongst each other, we are smart, but they aren't, they're just cute. Erm ... First off, maybe we're the dumb ones who don't get them and not the other way around.
      Scientists always argue that we're so frigging smart because we can talk and that that's what separates us from other species of the animal kingdom. If you ask me, it all depends on perspective. I'm sure if we asked dolphins if they think we're smart, they'd say no. "You never understand what we want, you can't breathe under water, you use your mouths to communicate, while we have this thing called sonar, you know. You really should look into that. Stupid fucks." So yes, we can talk, but think about how many other things we can't do and what would other species say about us (if they were as judgmental and nearsighted as we are). And not only animal species, but apparently potatoes can look down on us too. "So, what do you do when there's a beetle approaching, huh? Nothing. You can't do a damn thing. We should be pealing and frying and eating you, you wastes of oxygen."
      After a brief but lively conversation I had with Frank (my new imaginary potato friend), I started paying attention to the woman on air again and soon, she started getting on nerves so I just shushed the damn thing. Yes, the potato information was life-changing, but I still think the only good thing about the radio is the off button.

Dress worn as top - eBay, skirt - H&M, jacket - NewYorker, boots - eBay, sunglasses - H&M, rings - H&M
 
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      Peet