Yay, it's time for a Dear Doggie Diary post today. DDD is my favorite series, not just because it revolves around the coolest and most awesome dog
on the planet in the universe but because my dog does all of the writing for it — yes, feel free to call me a lazy bitch, that's what he does. One of his most frequent complains — aside from 'I'm hungry', 'can I eat that', 'why can't I eat that' and 'hey, I wanted to eat that' — is that I'm lazy and that I sit through most of my day and just stare at some box. So in order to shut him up, I've put some time and effort in today's pictures since he's writing the whole thing and I'm just transcribing it. The superhero theme seemed fitting because in his head he's already walking around with a big majestic cape so why not oblige him — I guess you could say he trained me well. But enough about me and from me, here's one of his recent diary entries.
May 8th 2014
God, we just came home from the evening walk and I couldn't be happier to be home — SHE'S SO ANNOYING!!!! Remember how I told you that I lost some weight and the collar was too big on me? So, whenever she wanted to drag me away from someplace, I just stopped, dug my front paws in, put my head close to the ground and the collar slid over my head and came right off so I was free to run back to wherever I wanted to go. Sweet, right? Yes, very, but now I can't do that anymore — she tightened the collar! Whoever gave her that brilliant idea?! I bet it was the dude, he's such a fucking smart-ass!! But you can't outsmart a smarty-pants, I have a new decoy tactic.
We were walking and I could smell something yummy as fuck from afar. I walked straight to the spot, my trusty nose guiding me and shit, and when I came there, there it was — a big, juicy, delicious, sweet-smelling, greasy chicken bone. SCORE. I was just about to snatch it when she started screaming and dragging me away. I just stopped, dug my paws in the ground and put my head down as always but the stupid collar wouldn't come off. I panicked, I was getting further and further away from the bone and I knew I needed to think fast and since I work best under pressure — seriously, I do, put me in a pressure cooker and I'll stay as cool as a cucumber, I'm like David Copperfield, I'll find a way to get out of there with my awesome brainiac skills. Test me, bitch, I dare you, just test me. Anyway . . . Where was I?? Oh. Yes. The walk. So, she's dragging me away and a genius idea just pops into my magnificent head — I stopped moving my paws. Dead simple. I. Didn't. Move. What'ca gon' do now, huh? HUH?
Wanna know what she did? The bitch dragged me. She DRAGGED me. She dragged ME. ME!!! I couldn't believe it, but she did for a couple of steps. Then she turned around and started screaming. "Don't even fucking start with me, dog, you better start walking, I ain't dragging you!!!!" She got really pissed. I could tell. I can always tell when she's really pissed, I have a sixth sense about stuff like that, I'm very sensitive and susceptible to the emotions of the people around me. Honest. So I knew. She was pisses. She was fuming. I, of course, still didn't move. So eventually she came up to me. Duh, she had no choice.
When she was by my side, I just rolled over on my back, stuck all four paws out and gave her the look. "Are you for real, dog?? You want me to rub you?? NOW?!" Hey, you're here already, why not rub my belly since you came all the way here, right? Eventually, she knelt and rubbed my belly. Duh, she had no choice.
Then I got up and we went on. Bye, bye, sweet chicken bone. I'll never forget you. Now, some other dog will find you and delight in your savory deliciousness. Fuck. I hope it's not a cat!!!
Anyhow. As we kept walking, she all of a sudden stopped and started talking — to a tree!! "Oh, ginkgo! Hi! You're new here. When did they plant a ginkgo here?? I've never seen you here before." Are you serious? Now you're talking to a TREE?! Who fucking cares about this ginkgo shit??? But then she started rubbing its leaves and shit and I got nervous. I started looking around to see if anybody was watching. I mean, what are other dogs and people going to think? I don't fucking care about cats, but dogs and people, what will dogs and people say?! That I'm being walked by some tree-talking blue-haired weirdo?? I'd die!!! Then again . . . I shit in public. How high can my standards be?
The chief has spoken,
P.S.: To my defense, they really did just plant a ginkgo biloba tree near my building and I love those trees, they have the-coolest-shaped leaves and I couldn't just walk by without saying hi, I'm a tree person, sue me . . .
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