Jun 30, 2014

Don't Be a Prick - Cover Your ... : A Brief History of a Condom

      Do you remember your first cell phone? I do. I was about 15 years old when I got my first phone ever, it was a gift by my grandfather. It was yellow and giant and from today's point of view pretty useless.
    You couldn't, for example, save any numbers in an address book because that function was nonexistent so you had to know all the numbers you needed by heart. And forget colors. Aside from the colorful plastic exterior, there were none, the screen was only in black and white (or should I say in green and grey) — how boring is that? And forget about touchscreen too. And mp3 ring tones. And a camera. And games. And apps and a calendar and an alarm clock and ... Everything basically. You could make a phone call with it and throw it and that was about it. So if I were to compare my first mobile phone with my current one, I wouldn't because I couldn't — it's like comparing a fork with a zebra. You can't. But this is actually not a post on the wonderful world of cell phone technology, no, it's a post on something much more fun — condoms.
      So what do mobile phones have to do with condoms? Not much. In fact, I struggle to find a single similarity . . . Maybe the similarity is in that they both are man-made (you can't exactly plant a condom nor a cell phone tree, right?) and pimps use them a lot. But that's where the similarities end more or less. So why did I bring my first mobile phone up? Because it baffles the shit out of me how the fuck it is possible that something that's basically just a toy has become so advanced over the past not even two decades while something that helps to prevent people from dying has been more or less the same for almost a whole century?!
      The story of a condom is actually even older than just a hundred years. Historians claim that the oldest proof of a condom-like device is a cave painting from France which is anywhere from 12 to 15 thousand years old. And they had condoms in ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece and China too, but were mostly used by the higher classes and were made of oiled linen and animal (mostly goat's) bladder, intestine or skin. Sexy, right? But wait, there's more. The Japanese used condoms made of tortoise shells and animal horns which also helped with impotence. Erm . . . I don't know which is worse — having a man trying to fuck you with a flaccid penis or having a man trying to fuck you with a horn. I'll let you decide for yourself while I move on with the history lesson.
      After years and years (and years and years) of all the bladders and horns, in 1855, the first rubber condom was produced. They were reusable and thus more economic, but people still preferred the skin variety over the rubber one because the former was cheaper and offered better sensitivity. Then, 65 years later, in 1920, latex was invented and in 1929, Europe got its first latex condom and for the past 85 years things have basically been the same for our condom friend.
      Sure they've started to make them colorful and ribbed and flavored but people still refuse to wear them and I can definitely see why. I don't know who the fuck came up with those formulas for the flavored condoms but they're fucking sadist. Those taste HORRIBLE. I bet Gordon Ramsay wasn't impressed if he ever had a lick. And I've never been allergic to anything and I'm sure as hell not allergic to latex, but those floppy latexy thingies make me itch in all the wrong places — every time I've used one, it's like I'm a vampire and someone just stuck a cross rubbed with garlic and dipped in holly water in my . . . love hole. So if I can tell my phone to play Rick James' Super Freak when my boyfriend calls, but Knight Rider's theme song when my mom calls, why can't someone make a condom that won't taste like gasoline sprinkled with cow shit, burn like a supernova and feel like there's a Chinese wall between me and the person wearing it? Why?!
      Well, I can't give you the answer to that question because I don't have it, but I can tell you that someone is doing something about it. And that someone is Bill Gates and his wife Melinda. Last year in March, they've started and founded the search for the next generation condom. They got 812 suggestions and chosen 11 finalists who each got 100,000 dollars (73,000 euros/60,000 pounds) for testing and possibly manufacturing their idea. How fucking awesome is that? But while the world is waiting for that super condom (a.k.a. condom 2.0), we're still stuck with 1.0 version. And we better use it. Here's why.
      A while back, I've found a very astute and insightful quote which read: "90 people have swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom." So if any of you lucky bastards are engaging in casual sex with random strangers, put one on. Yes, they're annoying, yes, they taste awful, yes, they can make your insides itch, but that's nothing compared to getting sick. Even Rihanna says you should wear one in Birthday Cake when she sings: "Wrap it up, wrap it up, boy, while I take this bow off," which could be translated in plain English as: "Put on a condom, while I take my clothes off." And besides, getting fucked with a latex condom is always better than getting fucked with a goat horn, think about that.


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