Jul 14, 2014

Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair

      Now, don't get too excited over the title, it's just a quote. Remember when I wrote a post entitled 'Suck Me, Beautiful'? That was just a quote too, a quote from the movie American Pie to be exact. I rarely come up with anything on my own, you know, especially anything dirty — my mind is as pure as the driven snow. And lazy too. Lazy like a . . . Like a  . . . See, I can't even come up with a decent comparison. So. On with the explanation of the title: one of my favorite Xzibit songs . . . Like a sloth! There we go, lazy like a sloth high on weed. So. One of my favorite Xzibit songs, aside from Alkaholik, duh, is Choke Me, Spank Me (Pull My Hair).
      Yes, I've said X isn't exactly my favorite rapper since he's (a tad) racist, but when words of a song speak to me, they speak to me, I can't help it. Alkaholik is near and dear to my hear, thanks to my adoration for Captain Morgan, for the following line: "[I] drink so much Captain Mo', all I need is a parrot." And there are several genius lines and universal truths in Choke Me, Spank Me (Pull My Hair) such as: "bang on your G-spot till your voice is missing", "I'm up all night but I never complain" and "I know it's hard to talk with all this dick in your mouth". That last one is a damn axiom, you can't deny that. But as fun as these lyrics are, they're not under the spotlight of this specific post. I just needed a catchy title to talk about the following — spanking. And former the following therefore the latter came to my attention thanks to my work (not that my boyfriend hadn't been doing a fine job of attention drawing before that).
      As some of you might remember, I get familiar with heaps of hair-raising, forehead-frowning, eye-brow-raising and head-scratching ideas, methods and things through my work. One of them was urine therapy which I already talked about in the post on urine facts. Luckily (at least for you), the latest piece of information I stumbled upon is a lot more pleasurable. And since not many of you (if any at all) decided to drink your own urine as the urine therapy instructs, a lot more useful too. If you decide that spanking is your cup of tea that is. Unlike urine. Which you probably wouldn't put in a cup, especially not your cup. Anyhow. Spanking.
      In the text that I was working on, the author kept talking about a sweet spot. Her sweet spot this, her sweet spot that. Sweet spot here, sweet spot there, sweet spot everywhere basically. Since my idea of a sweet spot didn't comply with the context, I googled intensely to find out what this elusive sweet spot was supposed to be. And as it turned out, it's not that elusive after all because we all have it within arm's reach 24/7. Actually, I bet you're sitting on it right now.
      A sweet spot is a term from the S&M lingo, from the S&M branch of spanking to be more specific. It's the patch of skin on your behind from the lower central portion of your ass to the top of your thighs and apparently THAT's where you should spank a person if you want spanking to feel good. And apparently that's not all you should keep in mind when wanting to spank somebody — you have to think about position, preparation, breathing, stroke intensity, stroke speed, etc., etc., etc. Spanking is a science and as is fitting for any science, you can find pages and pages on the topic.
      At first, I was slightly surprised by the number of hits (or should I say smacks?) I got when googling 'spanking'. But since there's a YouTube video on how to eat a banana and you can get a recipe with graphic instructions on how to boil an egg on Google, that really shouldn't be too much of a shocker. So after a while, I stopped being taken aback by the myriad of sites and information on spanking and got intrigued.
       As I searched the Internet further for 'spanking', I got sucked into the black hole of the World Wide Web and started my descent into the sadomasochistic lair in a downward spiral. They say that curiosity killed a cat. Well . . . It didn't mine. My cat got excited. I did kill a couple of hours, this curiosity of mine, though. But was it worth it? Sure. I'd basically try anything if there's a promise of pleasure in there somewhere (except for let's say bestiality and rainbow showers, call me a prude) so all the information on spanking won't go to waste. And since my boyfriend has been egging me about it for years, I was more than happy to share some links with him and educate him as well because — surprise, surprise — there is a difference between spanking and domestic battery.
      The bottom line? Some final words of wisdom on spanking? Here they are. All you spanking-obsessed male readers out there: Spanking is an art form, not a form of martial arts. "But all those women in pornos always look like they're enjoying it!" You're a moron on so many levels for using that as an argument, but I won't hold it against you, because now you're going to carefully read through some pages on spanking, right? Educate yourself, right? Like a good boy, right? Don't make me come over there and spank you.

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