Jul 7, 2014

Dear Doggie Diary #5

      A lot of time has passed since the last DDD post, two days shy of eight weeks to be exact, and a couple of days ago, even my boyfriend asked me when Leos will make another appearance on the blog again. Well, today is that day so here's my dog's latest contribution to the Dear Doggie Diary series.

      I don't know who invented the sun but he was a mean little bastard. Sure, I like the great outsides but do I like it so much so that I want to stand AND WALK out there every fucking day, is this how I want to spend my summer?? NO. I'm not a fucking muffin. I don't want to vacation in an oven. If I wanted to be baked alive, I'd be a fucking muffin. Or a cookie. Or a pork chop. Or a pizza. Or a . . . Man, I'm getting hungry. No, for fuck's sake no!! Focus, man, focus!!!
      Ok, so it's hot outside, right? And I don't want to leave my lovely cool air-conditioned haven for more than a short wizz and a poop, right? And everyone understands and respects that, right? NO. No they DON'T. They make me walk an entire marathon basically bright and early and late at night because "walking will help you stay alive and well". Well, fuck alive and well. We're all about to die anyways — the sun will burn us to a crisp and then eat us like tomorrow. Just wait and see!!! But ok, there's one upside to this frigging heat. And that's . . . FOOD.
       Summer's the best, man, it really is. It seems that food is just falling from the sky wherever you go. Just the other day I was standing under a tree, carelessly snooping away, when something red and round and gooey fell on my head. At first I was kind of pissed, I mean who the fuck dares to throw stuff at me?!?! But then it dawned on me — it's food, food is falling from the sky!! Fucking a, man. And even SHE caught on. I mean, she's kind of not that stupid, but she's still a human, so she kind of still is, you know, I mean dogs fucking rule this planet, you know. And some of the other animals too, but humans are just fucking clueless. Wait. . . What was I saying again?
      So yes, apparently she caught on too, because today I saw her standing under a tree, taking something off of the branches and putting it in her mouth. I thought to myself: "Wait. Is she eating?? She's eating, man! What the fuck is she eating??" And I scooted over there and saw a sea of little purple blobs lying on the ground. Apparently, some of the purple food which fell from the sky got stuck on the tree as well — I'm telling you, summer is awesome. So she's picking those purple blobs from the tree, I'm licking them off the ground and we're both having a blissfully jolly time. Until . . .  Until the bitch saw me. She started sprinting towards me and yelling: "You have diabetes, you moron, you can't eat those! Do you know how much sugar those have?!" As a matter of fact, I do know, that's why they taste so good, DUH. But there's something that tastes even better. And that's . . . ICE CREAM.    

      I've already told you that I am not the biggest fan of kids, right? But kids in summer, that I can handle, that's something I can work with, because those twats don't know how to eat ice cream properly. They always melt and dribble their way around my building like we're on a fucking Hansel and Gretel set. I love it. I basically just lick my way home. And what's even better, those ice cream drops are so small, she doesn't even see me chewing or eating or anything. I think . . .
      But all this screaming about sugar got me thinking — maybe I really should start to watch what I'm eating. The other day some dumbass approached us when we were out on our walk (waiting for some food to fall from the sky) and said: "Oh, what a cute dog. When are the puppies coming? She is pregnant, isn't she?" I started looking around trying to figure out who the stupid fuck was talking about but there was no one — the idiot was talking about me!!! I swear to God, if I wasn't on that leash, I'd bite the shit out of that person. But luckily I can always count on her to have my back. She just calmly looked at the dimwit and said: "When are the puppies coming? When his penis falls off."

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