Jul 9, 2014

I Am a Puppet Master

      A couple of weeks ago, I went to a party with a few of my friends and when we got there it was like we reached the promised land — the place was flowing with  milk  beer and honey. Since I'm a beer aficionado, you don't have to tell me twice to pour myself a glass and that's exactly what I did. About 7+ times. After a while, one of my friends said: "Man, you just love your beer, don't you? My boyfriend does too, but I don't let him drink it."
      I was a bit surprised by the commentary — not by the first part because that was a very spot on and keen observation, but by the second one — yet I just smiled politely and didn't say much. I think. I'd had plenty to drink, so maybe I had plenty to say too, but the words just escaped my brain. Nevertheless, the I-don't-let-him comment caught me off guard. How is that even possible, how does that even work? My boyfriend hates beer too, he thinks it smells like vomit and he doesn't want to come near me even when I just hold a glass (which is physically impossible in my case), let alone have a sip, but does that make me not drink it? Does he make me not drink it? Can he even? Can I make him do anything? No. No. Hell no. And definitely no. I thought about all of that for a second, but only for a second — then I was busy pouring myself another glass.
      As great as that would be, that's not happening anytime soon, even if she was the supreme priestess of puppet-mastery. But I'm telling you, we would be better off in the hands of a woman. Just think back to Elizabeth I who allowed religious freedom, worked towards increasing literacy, enforced laws that helped the poor and supported arts — her age isn't called the golden one for nothing (and let's not forget that she didn't get married, kudos to her). Also think of Maria Theresa who made school mandatory for both boys and girls, helped to define civil rights, sped up the progress in the field of medicine and made autopsies mandatory for all hospital deaths among many, many other things. And I have to mention Angela Merkel again thanks to whom Germany is the number one country of the European Union economy-wise. Do you still doubt that we would be better off listening to women? If you're a man, you probably do. And since nobody listens when a pair of tits opens its mouth and I'm a woman, I should dig up my mad puppet-master skills and make you think that you actually thought of that all on your own. Well . . . You know what I think? Fuck puppet-mastery.
       Maybe that's because I suck as a puppet master (hence I have zero influence on my boyfriend and he knows it (and vice versa)). Maybe that's because that ability apparently isn't innate in my set of chromosomes, even though both of them are Xs. Or maybe that's because I just don't have the time for it. And I'm not talking about that YOLO bullshit (which by the way is exactly that — bullshit), I simply don't want to waste my time playing games in order to make someone see something that he (or she!) should be able to see on their own. Call me crazy, but I think that reasonable people should be able to talk to other reasonable people reasonably. But of course you can't count on  men  everyone to be reasonable, it would be unreasonable of me to expect that, so that's where puppet-master skills come in handy. And apparently I'll have to develop mine if I want my boyfriend to tune into my wavelength because I'm not planning on cutting my breasts off any time soon. But first, let me get another beer. Because I, for one, cannot be fooled into thinking I'm not allowed to have one.


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