Aug 13, 2014

Things I Don't Get - Music Edition

      Do you know who Weird Al Yankovic is? Well, if you don't, you're missing out. He's basically my soul brother from another mother and I've come to that realization mostly upon hearing his parody of Pharrell Williams' Happy entitled Tacky which is just one out of twelve tracks he remade and included on his fourteenth album of parodies called Mandatory Fun. In my opinion, his version of the Happy lyrics is way better and ironically far less tacky than Pharrell's — just consider, for example, these lines: "got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined crocs — because I'm tacky" or "I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased — because I'm tacky". I just love how he captured the essence of today's society and I can definitely agree with and get everything he's saying. I can't, on the other hand, for the life of me get these next few lines from these next ten songs by these next ten authors.

      To make things clear, OG is an acronym for ‘original gangster’ which is a term coined in 1974 by an LA gang and later popularized by rapper Ice T’s album and song with that same name. That’s why I have a hard time grasping how something so pusillanimous, sissified and metrosexual as Justin Bieber can even utter the words ‘I’m a real OG’, let alone say that we all already know that. Because we don’t.

      So, Jay, you’re saying you’re so rich you can buy things that don’t even work? Good for you. In comparison to you, I’m poor as fuck but I have a ton of shit that doesn’t work so the way you see it, we’re kind of in the same boat?

      That song was released in 2012 when Rihanna was 24 years old, so let’s say she was about 23 when she wrote the lyrics (or had them written for her) – my guess is, the one you’d been searching for those long lonely 23 years of your life was at a different high school. Anyhow, exclaiming that you've been doing whatever 'all your life' before you're at least fifty just sounds humorous to me. 

      Correct me if I’m wrong, but to me it sounds a lot like Erykah is saying that she exchanges sexual favors for money. Hmmm, that sounds a lot like she’s saying she’s a . . .

      That’s the opening line and in that very first line, I’m already lost. What’s with that each? Let’s ALL go to the beach? Let’s go to the beach, but each of us to our own beach? Let’s go to the beach, to each beach once? What? It would’ve been better if – merely for rhyme’s sake – she had repeated ‘beach’ and just spelled it differently, for fuck’s sake, lake.

      Put what in your kidney? And why would Nicki want to put anything in her kidney? And HOW is she supposed to put whatever she’s supposed to put in her kidney – in her kidney? Mr. 2 Chainz, that may (sort of) rhyme but it makes a hell of a little sense.

      In case you don’t know (and if you don’t, you have to be from outer space), Kanye West’s girl is Kim Kardashian who’s a reality star, meaning, in a nut shell, she makes a bunch of home movies and shows them to everybody. She also made one very special home movie a. k. a. a sex tape which actually propelled her to stardom and made people ((even) more) interested in her other, regular home movies. And so I really don’t get why Kaye used ‘a home movie’ instead of ‘home movies’ – is the ambiguity intentional? Does that mean he, like most of the rest of us commoners, thinks and acknowledges the fact that the sex tape made Kim K famous? Did he himself first noticed Kim K because of that very sex tape? Is that like an homage to his superstar girl’s sex tape? I mean home movie.

      Let me get this straight. You can go all night and never get tired, but at the same time the only thing that’s keeping you up is alcohol and you need to drink otherwise you’ll get tired and won’t make it through the night which you’re partying away because you’re never tired? Wait. What? Queen B, do you know what ‘oxymoron’ means?

      Now, I’m all for rough sex and dirty talk (what Jay Z is trying to do here), but Ike Turner actually beat and raped and terrorized his wife Tina Turner whose real name used to be Anna Mae Bullock and if you’ve watched the movie about her life, you may remember the scene where he forces her to eat a piece of cake and screams at her: “Eat the cake, Anna Mae!” so how in God’s name is that supposed to be sexy?

      I simply don’t . . . This is . . . I’m can’t even . . . I mean . . . What the fuck is this??? Out of all of these lines I maybe, MAYBE, get three. Maybe. If I turn on my Peter Pan unicorn loving imagination and think not only outside the box but outside matter, the laws of physics and everything that is known about our world and universe. And the rest of if? It rhymes, I can deduce the individual words, she’s speaking, presumably English, but the message of those presumably English words are beyond my understanding. She did make a ton of money from ‘spitting that rap’ on that Justin Bieber track, I do know that.

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