May 25, 2015

God IS a Woman

     I have to admit that being single after almost a decade (for the brief period of time that I actually was single) was fun and weird and juicy and exciting and stressful all at once. But luckily I had some assistance from an unexpected individual so the stressful bits actually weren't all that stressful. Who was kind enough to offer me a helping hand in my time of need(iness)? Well, someone who actually has no hands — the little guy in the picture above with kick-ass red sunglasses and Johnny Bravo bravado. In other words, the pineapple, yes.
     But how can a tropical fruit help out a newly single gal, you ask? It sure can if she's an obsessive compulsive perfectionist nutjob like me. So if your brain works like mine, then you rank sex right up there with other life's essentials just below air and water but indisputably above food. Or do the genitals do the ranking in this case, not the brain? Anyhoo, if your brain works in these not-at-all-mysterious ways, then one of the first things you think about upon stumbling across the bachelor status all anew is: 'Now I can fuck other people.' Of course over the course of the next few days and/or weeks that thought transformed into: 'Fuck, now I HAVE TO fuck other people!' and then to: 'Cool, fresh meat,' and then to: 'No, I don't wanna fuck anyone else, EVER!' and back and forth and forth and back until I finally arrived at a factual: 'Ok. Now I will simply have fuck other people.' And that's when the obsessive compulsive perfectionist nutjoby part came in.
     The acceptance of the aforementioned fact and thus the prospects of fresh coital endeavors lunched — aside from a discovery of seemingly endless titillating possibilities — an avalanche of doubts and questions and all-encompassing self-nagging (probably stemming from the fact that I don't have a penis hanging between my legs) such as: Will they notice my stretch marks? Is my skin smooth enough? Do I have bad breath? What if I get a zit on my butt? Are my boobs firm enough? Does my ass look ok? Is my vagina tight enough? What about all of my excess body fat? What if my face grosses them out? What if ... What if ... What if they don't like how my pussy tastes???
     I must say I've never had any complaints but my mind is an expert in finding problems and issues where there are none so naturally I began brooding like a brooding pro: 'Who knows, maybe I haven't had any complaints during my last relationship because it's the same with vaginal juices as it is with smelling feces in a barn — at first you smell shit but then your nose becomes accustomed to it and you don't smell it any more. Or maybe I've only come in contact with people who were to kind to say anything (which in retrospect seems highly implausible). So maybe my vagina tastes like shit and I don't even know it! Or maybe I have been doing or just started doing something wrong and only NOW my vagina started to taste like shit!! Or maybe ...' After a while, I got bored of chasing my own tail in my head and finally said to myself what any respectful 21st century earthling should say when in doubt: 'Fuck it. I'm Googling this shit!' And Google shit I did.
     As it turns out, Google says that you can in fact improve your vaginal taste by simply being mindful of what you eat. You basically should avoid anything that makes your breath and farts smell weird (red meat, dairy, alcohol, onions, garlic, asparagus, cabbage, fish, tobacco) and vice versa, eat anything that isn't smelly: spinach, cranberries, apples, celery, cinnamon, avocado and first and foremost — pineapple. So ok, I got my answer, therefore I should be happy, right? Wrong.
     If you know me, you know I suffer from shiny ball syndrome so of course I had to then Google what should men eat to make their semen more scrumptious (sue me, I like to be prepared) and I wasn't surprised to find out that the lists of does and don'ts were more or less the same. So if you want to repel your partner with your funky cum, don't miss out on: cabbage, garlic, onions, asparagus, red meat, dairy, deep fried food, fish, coffee, alcohol and tobacco. But if you want your dick to squirt out a more appetizing nightcap, then most certainly reach for: apples, cinnamon, parsley, lemons, kiwis, blueberries, cranberries and — of course — pineapple.
     But while roaming the vast expanse of the World-Wide-Web-al wilderness searching for pussy and penile pleasurable delights, I came across a page which actually made me elated over the fact that I don't have a penis dangling between my legs and that site was all about what men should eat to improve their erection and sexual stamina. Wanna know what that is? Here, I'll tell you: garlic, onions, coffee, salmon, pork and red wine. Wait. Haven't I just read that somewhere? Isn't that ... I think it's ... Well, yes, yes, it is, it really is: that's exactly the same list of things men shouldn't eat if they want their dicks sucked with a happy ending — for their sucking partner. Ha! I knew there was still some justice in the world!
     So if you've ever wondered if God's a man or a woman, you're welcome, now you've got your answer. God has to be and most definitely is a woman. Or even better — a lesbian. Or a masochist. Or just someone with a really good sense of humor. Either way, stop wasting your time reading my yammering and go get yourself a glass of pineapple juice — it works. As I've said, I've never had any complaints.

      Hi there. Thanks for stopping by and looking and reading (obviously) my mishmash jumble of cascading torrent of pot-pourri-like craziness, it means the world to me. Therefore, you're welcome to pop by again next week to see what's new on the blog, so hope to see you back on Wednesday since Wednesday's the designated FPS day. But beware, I'm not signing and sealing that in blood so your best bet is to follow FPS via email (or Twitter, Bloglovin or Google+) to never miss an update. Or simply come by again sometimes!