Jul 31, 2015

Men and Their PMS

      I remember a tweet I saw a long while back when I first started using Twitter posted by some dude saying: “You know she’s got PMS, when she’s spreading Nutella on a bar of chocolate.
     When I read that, I thought to myself: “Mmmmm, Nutella on a piece of chocolate … Why haven’t I thought of that??” Well, probably because I, first of all, don’t even like Nutella, and secondly, I try to pretend PMS doesn’t faze me because I’d like to think I’m stronger and smarter than some mob of raging hormones, which is, of course, a load of bullshit and the sheer amount of sugar I’ve devoured while ‘not’ succumbing to PMS can vouch for that. My guilty pleasure? I crush a fist(-or-two-)ful of cookies in a bowl, pour a dash of milk over the cookie crumbs, pop the bowl in the microwave for ten seconds, then lump two to four (to seven, really) generous spoons of ice cream over the steamy biscuit mush and then teleport myself to sucrose heaven for whole 27 seconds before I devour it all. Does that actually alleviate my PMS discomfort? Of course it fucking doesn’t but I don’t fucking care, that’s not the fucking point, I have PMS for fuck’s sake, leave me the fuck alone.
     Sounds familiar? According to statistics, it should since roughly 80 percent of women experience mild to severe PMS symptoms amongst which are acne, bloating, tender breasts, irritability and mood swings. So eight out of ten women are zit-covered bloated pissed-off unstable menseszillas one to two weeks a month. According statistics.
     But the thing is, statistical data don’t say anything about the percentage of men suffering from PMS. Now you’re probably thinking, “Man can’t get PMS,” but I’m telling you, you couldn’t be more wrong, they can and they do — and I have research data to corroborate that statement, because I conducted a scientific research regarding the issue. During years and years of my closely monitored study, which I cleverly entitled ‘Living’, I have come to a fascinating discovery: not just women, but also most men (97,98 percent, the remaining 2,02 percent are due only to a margin of error) experience mild to severe PMS symptoms meaning that they too, the poor souls, are victims of irritability, mood swings and tender  boobs  balls just as much as we are except there’s one monumental difference — their PMS is chronic. And by chronic I mean exactly what the word entails: long-lasting and frequently reoccurring.
     Sure, women get to enjoy PMS-triggered mood swings and bitchiness for about a week every month before our period strikes but with men every day can be a that-time-of-the-month day since their PMS really isn’t brought on by a hormonal imbalance but rather by an empty tummy or a need to go potty or a shortened nap time or a new ouchy. Seriously, I take seven pre-menstruating women over one hungry dude anytime. Or a thirsty one. Or a constipated one. Or a tired one. Thanks to their food/sleep/sex/you-name-it deprivation, they’re irritable and moody and basically impossible 75 percent of the time, not to mention that their balls are tender 100 percent of the time but we, women, get a lashing for having PMS a couple of days every month before we fucking bleed out of our fucking vaginas because an actual mucosal wall of an actual fucking organ is peeling away and coming apart. Well, fuck me if I find any logic or justice in that.
     Yes, we can and/or are ill-tempered bitches and irrational divas during those difficult times of premenstrual syndrome, but I’m sorry, men aren’t immune to PMS. Except in their case it doesn’t stand for premenstrual syndrome but for Permanent  Monstrous  Masculine Syndrome and it, ironically, is a bitch.

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