A couple of weeks ago I saw a meme saying, 'I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun — you don't need running shoes to run but it fucking helps,' and I couldn't agree more. Alcohol undoubtedly is a whole lot of fun or it can lead to it so I don't get what's with all the backlash it's getting.
Sure, it can be really bad for you, yes, but hey, so can sugar, which can give you caries or even diabetes, not to mention that it's addictive. Water can also be harmful, even life threatening — supposedly, if you drink 18 liters of it, you can die because it dilutes your blood. And since I already mentioned running, that can be really bad for your entire body as well: did you know that every year as many people die from running as there are runners at the NYC marathon? Ok, I made this last bit up, but still, running can in fact get you bound to a wheelchair if you overdo it and that's no bueno.
So I guess moderation is key when it comes to everything, even alcohol, yes. That's why I'm all for moderation, but for Peet's sake, don't tell me to flat out forsake alcohol, because trust me, no good story ever starts with drinking tea. And besides, why scrap alcohol altogether when it can actually be quite beneficial. Here's how:
Alcohol helps you stay hydrated. A day after drinking, there's nothing like a good hangover that helps you keep that water intake up.
Alcohol helps you stay warm. There's nothing like a shot of prune schnapps to help you fight the cold on the slopes, any respectable skier or snowboarder can vouch for that.
Alcohol is therapeutic. There's nothing like a case of beer to help you forget ... well, after a case of beer probably anything and everything. And it's cheaper than therapy.
Alcohol lessens social awkwardness. Ever seen a drunk shy girl? I just love those — they're making friends left and right as opposed to just sitting awkwardly in a dark corner with the non-drinking pity party..
Alcohol helps you get rid of your inhibitions. A myriad of people who'd gotten drunk and got their first tattoo or piercing, got married or shaved their head, tried sushi or had their first gay/lesbian experience, just to give a few examples, can attest to that.
Alcohol can help you survive. We have a saying in Slovenia: nothing ever happens to a drunk person. And as absurd as that sounds, it can in fact be true: there's a billion stories confirming that saying but let me give you just this one example: click.
Alcohol acts as antiseptic. You always hear about the amazing cleaning power vodka has: they say you can clean windows and tables and clothes and a bunch of other shit with it, but they always forget the most important part a bottle of vodka can clean — your mouth. One shot of vodka a day keeps a dentist away (I'm (almost) sure).
Alcohol helps you with constipation. If you're really generous with your 'medicine' dose, even involuntarily, just ask Charlie Sheen.
Alcohol is the cheapest, most accessible truth serum on the market. The saying in vino veritas, in wine there is truth, didn't just come out of nowhere.
Alcohol helps you get new stuff. Just think of how many stupid, ugly, old, shabby, dingy jackets, shoes, phones, documents, cars, keys, earrings, lipstick, bicycles, necklaces, hats, you name it people have lost thanks to alcohol and traded them for brand new shiny stuff after a night/day of drinking. Imagine, you could be next — if you're lucky.
Thank you, alcohol!
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