Dec 13, 2015

Fucking Emojis

     So apparently ... I'm old. At least that's what my dentist says. OK, she didn't explicitly say I was old, she chose a much more mellow and beat-around-the-bush tactic, dentist style. A beat-around-the-tooth one if you will. Here's what happened.
     Last week, I came in for my regular yearly(ish) check-up and after all the prodding and nosing around my oral cavity, she finally said: "You know, the last time you were here, I'd say — from a dentist's standpoint — that your dental condition was what we'd call ideal. Now ... I'd have to say ... that one can ... notice that ..."
     "I'm old?" I offered.
     After she and her technician had a chuckle (and after I hadn't), she agreed, "Yes, one could say that, but what I'd wanted to say was that one can notice some dental wear and tear." Well, ain't that swell. But in all honesty, it wasn't much of a shock to me, because my boyfriend softened the blow for me by making me feel old already a year ago when we first met.
     It was the usual sweet, heart-warming, tender romance of the 21st century: girl meets boy, boy gets girl's number, boy and girl exchange about a bazillion text messages, boy and girl fuck each other's brains out and then boy and girl live happily ever after. The end. But essentially, that abundance of texts made something — besides the mutual interest in each other and the fact that we're both horny motherfuckers — painfully obvious: I'm old. And you want to know what was the indicator? Those stupid emojis. At the end of every sentence, at the beginning of some, sometimes in the middle and at times even INSTEAD of the sentence itself — EMOJIS.
     Of course I found it (a tad) outlandish but didn't really put much thought into emojis galore until I read and showed some of the texts (like any respecting woman) to one of my two best friends (a part of the same awesome Chernobyl generation as me, mind you), who charmingly and in a high-pitched overly dramatic voice pointed the frigging emoji elephant in the texts out: "Oooooh, he puts emojis everywhere, that's so sweet!!!"
     I narrowed my eyes at her, "Well, fuck you." She, of course, loved the reaction she knew she'd get so she just laughed back, bless her heart, while I could do nothing but admit, "I know, it's emoji diarrhea, it's so fucking weird!! But I'm guessing it's a generation gap thing, it has to be, he's younger than me."
     "Yeah, sure, it's because he's younger or because ..."
     "I know, I know — we're old."
     "Yap."
     And with that it was decided: we're old, they're not, we use letters, they use emojis, fuck it.
     But surprisingly, the exact opposite, namely the complete lack of emojis or smiley faces in a text, can create a WTF moment just as well. And since I'm old (or because I'm simply not their fan for reasons already explained here on my About page), I sometimes shy away from smiley faces or emojis altogether and bewilder the fuck out of innocent, unsuspecting souls. Here's an example of a recent text exchange with a friend of mine.

     SHE: So, are we going out this Saturday or what???:D
     IME: No. I decided I'm never going out again. Ever.
     SHE: What's wrong??? What happened???:((((((
     IME: Nothing. I was being sarcastic. Of course we're going out.
     IME: :)
     IME: :)))))))!!!!
     SHE: Oh.XP You didn't put a smiley face at the end...:S

     Nope, I sure didn't, silly me thinking that one's literacy shouldn't depend on the use of something as primal as a colon and a parenthesis (or a lack thereof), especially if the person knows me and knows me well, because literacy, I beg you, also involves gaining (the correct) meaning from a text, not just the ability to  type  write. But people sure can type or select smileys, I should say, and apparently they've been typing and using them since 1982, when :-) was first used in America, where else. Later Japan put their two cents in and emojis or emoticons or ideograms or proper smileys were born along with the word emoji itself, comprised of the Japanese word for picture ('e') and character ('moji'), in 1998/99. And I've been hating them ever since.
     So due to my everything but affectionate relationship towards the ever amusing (;)!!) emojis, I of course prefer not to use them, although I did tweet once that I might reconsider my stance due to flirtmojis. I haven't though. Why? Why in God's name even would I, when words, at least the way I use them, can be far juicier and more titillating than any tiny stupid picture ever could be. Even if it is depicting an anus above a hanging ball sack or a squirting vagina.
     But why the fuck do others use or need them then? I decided to ask and snoop around and some say they make texts look less boring or serious. Some say they help you communicate things faster because you just put in symbols instead of having to type entire words. And I took all of that into account, thought about it and here's my advice for the first group of emoji advocates: if you don't find 'regular' texts interesting, then start typing more interesting things, for fuck's sake. Or don't type at all. As for the second posse of emoji users: stop lying, you miserable bunch of saps. Don't tell me you find the God damn palm symbol (🌴) faster than you type p-a-l-m. Or l-o-v-e (❤️). Or f-l-i-g-h-t (✈️). Or h-o-t (🔥). Or o-k (👌). Or whatever the hell you're so desperate to type so fast. Because what's next? Are we going to start grunting and barking at each other because it's shorter or easier? And move back to caves and draw emojis on the frigging walls? Because we've already been there, done that: the cavemen had their own emojis long before the invention of ... of ... Oh, what's that word again?? Oh, yeah — THE ALPHABET.
     But just when I was about to start learning how to read the hieroglyphs or how to walk like an Egyptian (because apparently that's going to be the next big thing), I got a splitting toothache. I ran to the bathroom to check if I noticed something telling about the painful spot in my mouth and what did I see? I new tooth! A brand new wisdom tooth emerging from my sore, swollen, bright red gums! And you can't even begin to imagine my excitement — I don't even have all my teeth yet, they're still growing, therefore I can't really be that old, can I? Hell no, I can't. So since I'm not an old hag yet, maybe ... maybe I'll try to embrace the emoji mania myself. OR NOT. Fucking emojis.





     Thanks for stopping by and looking and reading (obviously) my mishmash jumble of pot-pourri-like craziness, it means the world to me. Therefore, you're welcome to pop by again next week to see what's new on the blog — I post once a week every week, most likely on Wednesdays. But beware, I'm not signing and sealing that in blood so your best bet is to follow FPS via email (or Bloglovin, Twitter, Instagram or Google+) to never miss an update. Or simply come by again sometimes!


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