Jun 5, 2016

New Is Always Better

     I hate updates, I really do. I hate updates so much that I just went and bought a new phone last week when my old one got violated by the latest Microsoft update — true story. So here's the full story.
      Some six months ago I got a new phone after my previous one died. I got my first touch screen phone, a Lumia 640, and was relatively happy with it — as much as a girl who loathes touch screen phones could be because on touch screens keyboards, let's be honest, one simply cannot write. Not without having to constantly correct typos and wasting time and patience at least, so no wonder people just gave up and simply send out texts, tweets, Instagram captions, emails, you name it like they're drunk. Or retarded. Me? I can't do that. if im not legitimately drumk , imnot sendin anythimg tat looks like thos toanyonwe — I'm not retarded. And I know the difference between lower and upper case and I know what punctuation is and I know where a space should or shouldn't be, so I'm going to take the time and not send out pieces of indecipherable gibberish which make people wonder if a completely wasted elephant just stepped on my damn phone and hit send with its trunk. So, as I said, I was relatively happy with it.
     Coincidentally, for the very reason I despised my old phone, my boyfriend loved and adored it and basically wanted to erect a statue in its honor. You see, I type a lot. A lot. And not just text messages but mostly notes for the blog and my column whenever an idea strikes me. Which usually happens at night. So anyone who's ever slept next to me knows that they have to indulge my sporadic outbursts of typing at four in the morning. Which, on my phone preceding the Lumia, sounded like a mini machine gun was being fired. So yeah, to my boyfriend having a much more silent touch screen keyboard as opposed to a loud physical one was an improvement while I more or less unfluctuatingly hated the touchy upgrade threatening the damn phone I'd flush it down the toilet or give it to the dog as her new chew toy on a daily basis.
     All that fulminating's breaking point and the last straw that finally broke this camel's back, though, was when Microsoft molested all their users with their latest in the long line of updates. Updates ... First of all, why the fuck do they even call them that? The last time an UPdate actually UPdated anything was when they upgraded cuneiform and clay tablets back in 3000 BC thus making a piece of paper and a pencil my favorite update to date. But since then, all other updates have more or less been just annoying little buggy pieces of shit that make downgrades look resplendent as fuck. So imagine my excitement when my old Lumia got 'updated' with Windows 10.
     All my previous threatening and whining and bitching on account of my touch screen torment might, might have been amusing but after that 'update', I got intolerable. And can you blame me? Everything changed and nothing worked basically, not to mention that some wiseass decided to move some keys on the keyboard which I was still getting used to and so I was literally miserable, some days I didn't even touch my phone and just pretended I didn't have one. Those were the OK days. On the not-so-OK days, my boyfriend wanted to kill me for me since I threatened to stab myself to death with my phone at least seventy-two times a day. So no wonder he talked me into buying a new phone. But not just any phone — the only phone currently on the market that has both a physical keyboard (I'm not ever buying a phone without one) and a touch screen one (he's not ever giving up that luxury) as well as a large, rectangular screen which, I'll admit, is very handy and is therefore a must. Sounds great, right? The only thing about the damn fucker that didn't sound great was its price. Which I still haven't gotten over so I kind of slightly maybe somewhat regret getting it, especially because I recently tried stand up paddle-boarding (thanks Anja!!) and would kind of slightly maybe somewhat preferred a SUP instead but I bought that phone and when the unboxing time came, my boyfriend was right next to me all giddy with sparkles in his eyes as if Teya Salat was coming over to sing him happy birthday in a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice before sucking him off. Yes, he's a techno-geek. And yes, he loves updates. And apps and fitness trackers and cracks and gadgets and all that stuff that makes me, personally, want to stab myself. So naturally, I opened the box, took out the phone and immediately gave it to him, "Here. Give it back to me, when it's actually useful." And with that, one of the happiest afternoons of his life started, top 10 easy.
     But as the day passed, I watched the joy fade from his face — and it got me worried.
     "What's wrong? Something's wrong. It’s the phone. What is it?? Tell me!"
     "Nothing's wrong, it's just … Your phone is better than mine."
     "Meh, it's not better it's just new."
     "New is better."
     "You sound like Barney."
     "Barney Stinson? You know, from How I Met Your Mother?"
     "Ok, so in one of the episodes, Barney claims that new is always better saying that having sex with a new girl is better than having sex with the hottest girl you've ever been with simply because she's new. And the same goes for everything, new Guns N' Roses songs are better than the old ones, new whiskey is better than the aged one, everything — new is always better."
     "Yeah, that does sound exactly like me. I guess I'm a Barney Stinson clone."
     "You know that 'Barney' is actually gay, right?"
     "Come again?"
     "Yeah, a couple of years ago 'Barney' married his long-term boyfriend."
     "O... OK, then I'm not his clone entirely, just the part about liking new stuff is the same. And I'm, of course, just as legen..." I waited for it, "DARY." Thank fuck I'm not lactose intolerant.
     But still, not even 'Barney' actually thinks that new is always better since he's been happy playing with one and the same penis, namely his husband's, for x number of years now, I wanted to say but before I could delve into that debate, I was shushed by one less penile and less meaty joystick — my new phone. It was finally ready for me to grab hold of and get to know better. And you know what's the first thing I did? I nuzzled it. I nuzzled it and said, "Hey, phone. It's me, your new owner. You'll be a good phone, won't you? And you won't get updated ever and we'll live happily ever after and you'll be the last phone I'll ever have to get used to and ..."
     "I'd die," my boyfriend interrupted my PDA session.
     "If I had to have one phone for the rest of my life, I'd die."
     "Die and go to heaven!" I replied, because having the same phone till my very last breath, without any new shit to figure out, without any new updates to get used to, that right there is the sweetest, most heavenly music to my ears. Therefore I can't wait till my new phone becomes my old phone so we can finally start our loving committed relationship — till death does us part. I just hope it won't update.

     Thanks for stopping by and looking and reading (obviously) my mishmash jumble of pot-pourri-like craziness, it means the world to me. Therefore, you're welcome to pop by again next week to see what's new on the blog — I post once a week every week, most likely somewhere between Wednesdays and Sundays. But beware, I'm not signing and sealing that in blood so your best bet is to follow FPS via email (or Bloglovin, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook or Google+) to never miss an update. Or simply come by again sometimes!